Farewell, sweet prince: Hibbs on 8/27

Back again!  Under the Jump! Go!

ALL-NEW X-MEN #31:  "Joe Quesada was asked if the Ultimate Universe and the Main Marvel Universe would ever cross over and he replied no. Quesada said he'd rather close down one universe than have them cross over because it meant they were officially out of ideas." And ANX started off so strong, too.  Now? I don't even know what's going on with it or if there's any point to anything that's happening at all in the X books.  EH for me.

BATMAN ETERNAL #21: The weird thing with this series is the constant changes in artist, and, worse, artistic style from issue to issue.  It makes it hard to "keep the comic in my head" if you know what I mean? One issue will be all artistic, the next will be very DC house-style -- it is jarring, week-by-week, and I think it's going to make a pretty messy TP.  Also, the first TP is solicited as #1-20, and, frankly, I think this issue is the culmination of the Act, not the previous issue. This one was fairly GOOD.

BODIES #2: The first issue was barely comprehensible, and nothing is improved here in #2.  The high concept (A body is found in four different time periods -- and it is the SAME body) doesn't come across at all in the comic, and while there is some lovely drawing on display here (I especially like Tula Lotay's section), Si Spencer's story just doesn't gel together. Overall pretty EH.

OUTCAST #3: It is attractive, it is well-written, and yet here we are more than 80 pages in, and I still don't really have any real interest in the protagonist, or anyone orbiting around him. OK.

POP #1: Interesting first issue here -- the premise is what if Pop Idols were literally manufactured, like from cloning vats; and then one escapes prematurely. Yeah, that's a high concept, alright.  I'll be super-curious if they can sustain this over the course of four issues, but the first one was a fun and buzzy (yet nicely dense) little read.  VERY GOOD.

SAGA #22: This is still the best comic on the stands every month, but damn if the current conflict between Alana and Marko doesn't feel a bit forced to me. VERY GOOD.

SILVER SURFER #5: How refreshing to read a cosmic level book where the problem is resolved by cleverness and peace, and not explosions. You also got to love a semi-Defenders issue that's not actually the team getting together. I thought this was the strongest issue yet of what's been a fun series.  EXCELLENT.

SUPERMAN #34: I can't say that I'm caring too much for this storyline because the last thing Superman needs is Yet Another Doppleganger, but I really do enjoy just how genuinely good of a person that Johns' Superman is. For someone known to pile on the gore and cynicism, he really does write sweet and charming so very well. And for that this earns a low GOOD.

WAYWARD #1: Now, that's some fine and pretty art from Steve Cummings, but, oy, I thought the story was pretty hackneyed and pretty been-there, done-that. OK, but only for the art.

WOLVERINE #12: I've only been really giving this book half an eye (I didn't especially like the first six issues of the previous arc), but I thought I should check back in with this before the "death" of Wolverine (No, not that one!), but, ugh, bleach in my eyes!  That was really AWFUL, and makes me understand why we've only been selling single digits of this book.  Man, and $5.99, too, what a rip off.

That's about all I have for comics this week, but I didn't want another week to go by without expressing my sadness at the death of Robin Williams.  I was eleven years old when "Mork & Mindy" debuted on TV, which was pretty much the perfect age to love Mork -- and I had a pair of rainbow suspenders that I wore down to shreds. So it really made me happy when, in my later years, Robin ended up being a pretty regular customer of the store for a number of years (I haven't seen him in five year or so[?], as he moved out of San Francisco).  He had a really good and diverse taste in comics, and I can't think of a single time that he came in that anyone approached or bothered him while he was shopping.  Once I made some silly comment as I was checking him out about something, and I actually got a laugh out of him, and his eyes crinkled up, and he switched on his riff machine for 30 seconds or so,  that was pretty insanely awesome. I'm very sad that he chose to end his life, because he brought a lot of laughter to a lot of people.  If you are depressed, or suicidal, I urge you to seek help.

Peace.

-B

Hibbs? Why is HE stinkin' up the joint?!?!

Hi, it is me, the y'know, original founder of this blog.  You might have noticed I've been just a little slack in posting since around Christmas time. The Season soaked up my time, then I started my new consulting business, but mostly, I needed a break from writing reviews.  It happens! I was going to start posting a few weeks ago, but that was the week where Abhay descended out of the blue for a solid week of posts, and I didn't want to step on his toes.

This week, we welcome our newest SavCrit -- the artist formerly known as J_Smitty (Yes, eventually every regular commenter will be given a seat in the big chair*), now unveiled as Jordan Smith, whose first post is directly below this one, but I felt like I couldn't put off my return for much longer (it is MAY!), so join me below the cut, would you?

Hi!

Now, I am hella hella rusty, so forgive me as I get back up to speed... and I also picked a maybe not so great week to do this, since it be a little thin on the new comics beat, but let's see where we get how we get when, shall we?

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE #15AU: I haven't especially been a fan of this title since it launched -- I really don't feel like it has had a point or direction of any particular value (Except, maybe, "Let's try to capitalize on the Avengers movie 15 months ago"), and THIS issue is a tie-in to one of the most drama-free Big Crossover Events. I mean, let's face it, "Age of Ultron" isn't really going to have any real impact, even if they DO take away Logan's healing (though, looking at the new Wolverine movie trailer, one assumes that that is REALLY being done to tie in with the film...), or bring Angela into the Marvel universe.

(which, by the way, is a real "WTF?!!?" moment and, honestly, feels more like a vindictive swipe at McFarlane ["Hah! I'll give it to MARVEL!"] than anything resembling a cohesive creative plan.... or, for that matter, something that any fan, anywhere was looking for)

So, one generally assumes that tie-ins to such a beast would also be inconsequential and uninteresting -- and I think they mostly have been so far to date.

Not so this one, however.

Well, I guess it is "inconsequential" because nothing that happened in this comic will matter in 6 weeks or 6 months, or, probably, even be referred to in the parent book, even -- but so far this was certainly the most interesting bit of  AoA to date, being a look at how AoA is impacting Britain, introduces at least one interesting new character, and had a really tremendous "What If...?" status change for another major character.

AA#15au is written by Al Ewing, who is very rapidly becoming  my favorite new writer, and whom I'm very much suspecting really is The Real Deal, y'know? I want to see Ewing on an original US series of his own creation because based on his doing other people's ideas I would guess he's got his own SANDMAN, TRANSMETROPOLITAN or PREACHER in him (if, y'know, you're about my age, those are big big touchstones....)  I thought this comic was the best Avengers thing I've read in a really long time, and was absolutely VERY GOOD.

BATMAN AND ROBIN RED HOOD #20: Snyder's run on the main title, and Morrison's various perambulations through the Bat-mythos have largely overshadowed Peter Tomasi and Patrick Gleason's title, which some months really is the best of the bat-books. I like what they're doing here post-Damien, using the other bat-family sidekicks as stand-ins for the Stage of Grief. On the other hand, I'm decidedly uncomfortable with "Carrie Kelley" (The "Dark Knight Returns Robin"), one because she doesn't seem even remotely like Carrie Kelley in DKR to me, two because it some how seems disrespectful to DKR, and three because bringing in a new Robin this close to the dispatch of the last one, seems like a really lousy idea. We'll see, we'll see, maybe they're just fucking with us, I sure hope so.  I thought (with the exception of the pages she appeared on) that this was pretty GOOD.

CHIN MUSIC #1: You'd think that 30s Gangsters and The Occult would go together like buttah, especially when you've got Horror-Guy Steve Niles teaming with Tough Guy Tony Harris on a new creator-owned series, but I got to tell you: I could hardly follow the who and the what and the why do I care here. Interest almost always comes from character, not situation, and there aren't any realized characters on display here.  EH.

GARTH ENNIS BATTLEFIELDS #6 (OF 6): Even though you really needed to read an entirely different series of "Battlefields" comics to appreciate the end of this issue, and even though Russ Braun's art is a little too... flat for my tastes (though, good on Garth for loyalty and keeping Braun working), I thought this was a pretty wonderful, poignant, and moral and human ending to the story -- Ennis' specialty, really. This kind of work will never find a wide audience, but I'm so appreciative that Ennis makes sure it keeps coming out. VERY GOOD.

JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA #3:  Three issues now, and I've yet to feel a moment of interest in this set-up or collection of characters -- the story is so Plothammer-y that it ain't funny, and David Finch looks like he had about an hour to draw the issue. Plus, that whole "WTF" thing didn't really work, did it? Most of the "shocks" weren't, or, worse, were merely rhetorical questions. Plus that they're still shipping into May... ugh. this book may represent everything twhat's wrong with the New52 as a whole: plothammered and ugly. But maybe I'm just cranky. Either way, I thought it was fairly AWFUL.

UBER #1:  I don't get this comic. I mean who is it for and all that. I can see (somewhat) the intellectual appeal of a story about nazi superman, but when the rubber meets the road, these are the antagonist, and, for this to work as a story, we're required to have protagonists for whom to root. I don't see any in the first issue (or in the #0, for that matter), and the art by Caanan White is "Avatar House Style" enough (and ugly) that that won't be bringing me back. Avatar, trying to harness the Power of Bleeding Cool tried to convince people that the book is "hot" somehow, but it's pretty icy cold on the real world racks (besides the coupla speculator-types that bought #0). I generally like Kieron Gillen's writing, but I think he's pretty much entirely missed the needle here, not just the eye. AWFUL.

UNCANNY AVENGERS #8: I truly don't get the point of this comic either, if it's not a showcase for John Cassaday. I like Daniel Acuna's art fine, I guess, but he's pretty far in style from Cassaday, and the story has felt to me like the worst excesses of Rick Remender, trying to do Big Story with characters that aren't strong enough to support it, using obscure and uninteresting bits of Marvel history to do so. This is pretty EH for a "flagship" book.

WOLVERINE #3: If you had told me that there would be a Wolverine comic where I'd only be ordering 1 single rack copy by issue #3, and that, by Friday, it would still just be sitting there on the shelf, despite being by Paul Cornell and Alan Davis, I'd laugh at you. But here we are. Honestly, it's not that bad -- really, it is OK, so why are people just not buying this?

Right, that's enough to start, I thinketh. Like I said: rusty. But, as always, I want to know what YOU thought....

-B

* = Note: This will NOT be happening; don't get your hopes up, you!

Wait, What? Ep. 87: Tiny Yellow Boxes

It's funny. I keep thinking we're going to hit our "proper" hundredth episode any minute now and we're still only eighty-something percent of the way there. (It's probably the high-weirdness of having 145 entries accessible on iTunes that's throwing me off...) But we will get there!

Yes, neither rain nor snow nor sleep, nor screwy Skype, nor half-maintained hardware, nor early morning airport visits, nor crazy screeds by prominent webcomic cartoonists where the phrase "we won!" really means, "stop harshing my mellow," can keep us from our appointed rounds...unless we decide to take a week off.

Whatevs: we have a two hour episode for you, full of complaints about some of the above, but also delightful discussions of Reverse Aquaman, Saga #3 by Brian K. Vaughn and Fiona Staples, Avenging Spider-Man #7 by Kathryn and Sturart Immonen, the history of kitty cats, Saucer Country #3, Wolverine by Jason Aaron, Bakuman, Batwoman, Watchmen Toasters, the fabulous oral history of DC's Countdown to Final Crisis over at Funnybook Babylon, The Zed-Echs Spectrum, Thor, Thanos, fanfic, Fraction, Bendis, and the perennial favorite:  more, more, more.

It is on iTunes (let's assume for the sake of argument) but it is also here, for you to download and listen to, and to raise as if it was your very own child, albeit one that chatters on endlessly and never really seems to hear what you say (yes, very much like your very own child, indeed!):

Wait, What? Ep. 87: Tiny Yellow Boxes

And as always, we hope you enjoy and we thank you for listening!

Wait, What? Ep. 78: Quotes From Pandora Three-Sixteen

(This installment's accidental shout-out courtesy of Action Comics #7)

Normally, I try and pitch some rhetorical woo at you as a way to encourage or remind you to listen to this miniature stage play of the mind  Graeme (with his smooth, Noel Cowardesque line delivery) and I (with my stammering Method Actor incoherence) offer up each week.

However, as the soul-stealing monster known as Daylight Savings Time has arrived to demand the tribute of an hour from each of us trembling villagers, I fear I've got nothing especially fleet-footed with which to charm you, merely the verbal posturings of the maladroit and the overwrought.  The sundial? Tis broken.  The hourglass? Now hollow.

But if you wish to remember me fondly, then give Wait, What? Ep. 78 a chance:  it has Graeme and I discussing what Savage Critic rating we would give The Bible; spinoff books that can never seem to escape their progenitors; drug use and Dr. Who abuse; Action Comics, The Legion of Superheroes, Birds of Prey, and spinoff books that can never escape their progenitors; Fairest; the first issues of Saucer Country, Hell Yeah, Manhattan Projects (with spoilers for the first issue), and Superbia, Fatale #3; Fantastic Four: Season One; the amazing King City trade paperback from Brandon Graham; Detective Comics; G.I. Joe: Cobra; Wolverine #302; the DC Nation block on Cartoon Network, and much, much more.

iTunes is a wish that your heart makes (when your heart wishes for a cumbersome and inept media management program that gets totally fuxxored if you download the same update more than once, anyway) and so our latest episode should be discoverable there, but you are also invited to lasso that ethereal doggy right here, below:

Wait, What? Ep. 78.1: Quotes from Pandora Three-Sixteen

As always, we appreciate your patronage and hope you enjoy our latest offering!

Wait, What? Ep. 71: Funk, Soul, Brother

Yep, a bit of a delay but here we are, more or less as promised: Wait, What? Ep. 71, featuring our new theme song courtesy of the hyper-talented Graeme McMillan. This done-in-one episode is not quite two hours and forty-five minutes and covers, um, lots of stuff.

Stuff like OMAC and the other cancelled new52 titles; the current state of George Perez's career and what Marvel's marketing team could do with it; Mark Millar's Trouble and Spider-Man; comments by Charles Vess and Ariel Olivetti about Marvel; Mark Waid's Amazing Spider-Man/Daredevil crossover, Jason Aaron's Wolverine and the X-Men as well as Wolverine #300.

Plus, a lot of babbling from Jeff about PunisherMAX #21; a debate how many "good" issues a creator might have in them; Secret Avengers, Astonishing X-Men, Warren Ellis, and in-canon behavior; James Robinson and Shade; the preview issue of Shonen Jump Alpha; and Marvel Two-in-One vol. 4.

See? Worth the wait. (Probably.)

We would like to think it is on iTunes, but we are all but certain you can listen to it here, thanks to the handy link below:

Wait, What? Ep. 71: Funk, Soul, Brother

As always, we thank you for listening and hope you enjoy!

Wait, What? Ep. 66: Winter Oner-Land

The image above ties into the podcast in only the most tangential of ways (we discuss Frank Springer for the merest of moments) but I had to include this image, in no small part because I've been enjoying Graeme's Comics Advent Calendar over at Blog@ Newsarama so much. (And because...the Hatemonger for the Holidays?  May be even more topical now than when it was published...)

So, anyhoo.  We had one of those podcasts where we only spoke for around ninety minutes and there wasn't much of a place to cut it very neatly.  (I wasn't crazy about doing an hour ten for part one, and thirty minutes for part two.)

So this is a "oner" episode for you, with Mr. McM and I talking about the recently releasedDefenders #1, the power of secret shout-outs, Dark Horse Digital's recent pricing hullaballoo, Avengers vs. X-Men, Bendis leaving Avengers, Spaceman #2, OMAC #4, Daredevil #6, the Lethal Weapon comic that never was, Flash #3, Secret Avengers and Wolverine (both at issue #19) and, yes, of course, The Muppet Movie. It is so very close to being an hour and forty minutes (so! very! close!) and yet, somehow, it isn't.

Is it on iTunes?  Probably!  But it is most certainly here for you right now:

Wait, What? Ep. 66.1: Winter Oner-Land

Our plan is to record this week and, God help us, next week so there should be a steady stream of our patented level of giggly jibber-jabber to carry you into the new year.  As always, we hope you enjoy!  And thank you for listening.

Hibbs and the Single 11/30 (part one)

Haven't finished reading everything yet for the week, so this is just part one... but I'll be pretty close to Old School Savage Critting, here...

ANGEL & FAITH #4: I'm kind of loving this book. I suspect that's because both the premise, as well as the motivation of the protagonists is significantly more focused than over in BUFFY SEASON 9. The art's fab, too. I honestly think this is VERY GOOD stuff. BATMAN ODYSSEY VOL 2 #2: What. The. Fuck? I didn't read #1 (and stopped reading v1 at #4, I think?), but whoa this has taken a serious turn towards the inexplicable with Caveman Batman and Robin, and dinosaur riding and man oh man Neal Adam's style is kind of inherently "serious", y'know, and completely works against what I think is meant to be a Silver Age Pastiche. Or tribute, maybe? Hard to actually tell. His Batman is zooming all around here, at one point really even sounding like a teenage girl (with an "I hate this. I hate this. I hate this." as he starts to ride a giant flying bat, followed by a big ol' "I love this!", yowsers!) I m just utterly baffled at what Adams is going for, and it is ultimately stiff and awkward and weird. So much "Work For Completionists Only", and kind of crazily AWFUL, sorry. DAREDEVIL #6: The idea of a villain with sponsorship patches, like an anti-Booster Gold, is sort of amusing, but that was a bloodier end to the fight than maybe was needed. The McGuffin of the patch was likewise interesting, but I guess I just don't see what the stakes are for DD. The art as is nice as always, but I just couldn't wrap my head around how this was a Daredevil story, and not a Spidey story. still, even with that, it's still a low GOOD. FF #12: I didn't say last week, but I thought FANTASTIC FOUR #600 was pretty terrific, but no I didn't like this. Maybe it's because in a FF book, I want to see one of a quartet of individuals specifically driving the action; or maybe it's because Bobillo's art (dunno for certain if it's a change in base-style, or the inker's work) went from sweet cartoony (like in his run of SHE HULK, man, those are great) to like harder edge euro-styled art. Like, dunno, Alex Nino, and that whole school of Philippine artists that was most prolific at Warren in the 70s? Either way, not a change I liked personally. So, yeah, while I can appreciate the intricacy of FF, this left me feeling pretty distant, so best I can must is a weak OK.

FLASH GORDON ZEITGEIST #1: Back to the top start again on this venerable property, and it is done with adequate style -- more enjoyable than the BUCK ROGERS reboot from last year, say. I'm just kind of loath to recommend any Dynamite book to people because I know if it show the slightest chance of catching on, Nickie will commission three different spin-off series, and we'll lose all of our readers for it, and have to stop ordering it. But, anyway, that's too meta! There was also an interesting choice at the end to have the rebel aliens come to Earth before ever encountering Flash, which would seem to me to be extremely likely to dramatically shear the central appeal of Flash which would be "Rugged American Individual goes to weird (and primitive, except for the spaceships) alien planets, shows them how incredible fucking awesome Rugged American Individuals are". Tell me you can't picture TEAM AMERICA's "America: Fuck Yeah!" playing behind any filmed Flash Gordon to date, right? Well, we'll see how that thread plays out, but I'm not optimistic on that. The rest of it I quite liked, though -- and that is a pretty awesome Ming, so, sure, I'll say this comic is a strong OK.

GAME OF THRONES #3: A lot of good choices in this adaptation, but the art's a little cutsie to work, I think. EH.

HAUNT #19: New Direction! Jump On Now! I thought the Kirkman/Capullo run was just too much trying to evoke a Spawny/Venomy kind of 90s feeling, but Joe Casey and Nathan Fox really change it up well here. I'm going to put the bulk of that on Fox, I think, as this looks pretty much the opposite of a Capullo comic. Solidly GOOD, though I can't say I would rush to buy another issue, necessarily.

STAR TREK ONGOING #3: Loving this, as well. Really, it's kind of a brilliant idea to adapt the old episodes with the new cast, they've got 150+ issues of material on tap, without having to generate a new story idea, yet they seem fresh because of the new dynamics among the characters. Solidly GOOD.

THUNDER AGENTS VOL 2 #1: A much better first issue than the last one -- action, AND plot movement, AND mysteries for the future AND soap opera is really the format that each issue of a super hero comic should deliver, and the first run had issues with only half or less of those in any average issue. Still, dang, in any incarnation of these characters, I'd have to say I think the appeal tended to be the artists drawing them (from Wood to Kane to Perez), and this is a writer-driven run, I think, from Nick Spencer. That's not to say that CAFU isn't fine (he [?] is), but not really in that same kind of weight class as many of the others. Ultimately, I kind of don't care about these guys outside of that art nostalgia, so you'd have to be exceptionally exceptional for me to say anything better than an OK on this. And while this is competently done, that's about it. If you have a jones for these guys, you'll probably rate this much higher than I.

THUNDERBOLTS #166: I'm going to kind of recycle the last few lines of the previous review for this -- this is competently done, but I have nothing emotionally invested in these characters, and this issue doesn't do anything to change that, so, sure, it is therefore kind of EH.

ULTIMATE COMICS ULTIMATES #4: First issue of the 4 that I liked on its own merits. I think this miscalculated on scale -- millions more dead, and this after the earlier devastation of New York... these things would dramatically change a world and how it operates, and it's exhausting as a reader to boot.  THIS issue seemed a lot more personally driven, and so worked for me much better. It's a low GOOD.

UNCANNY X-MEN #2: That's all weird, and not really very X-Men-y (though, yes yes, I get "new premise" and all; whatever, I stand by that assessment), and it doesn't suck, but it sure ain't for me. OK

WOLVERINE #19: I like Funny Jason Aaron, I think, better than All Serious one. Very enjoyable, low GOOD

X-MEN LEGACY #259: I feel like I can see the sets, and someone left the script pages in the shot, and no no no no, you're supposed to emote, dear! and it's just little stick figures being moved around, and it's no different than the rest of Carey's run, mostly, and I think its unfortunately pretty AWFUL. I almost upgraded that just so we wouldn't end this session on a down note, but ugh, can't do it.

Right, more tomorrow (I think!), what did YOU think?

-B

"'Fear Itself'? More like 'Fuck Yourself'!" (wokka-wokka-wokka)

Hey, look, reviews!  

STAR TREK/LSH #1: Awwwwww.... I really really wanted to like this more than I actually did. The idea of a "Mirror/Mirror"-ed LSH 31st century is a cute one, but at the end of issue #1, the two groups aren't even together yet! I'd have preferred that the cause of things was much clearer than it was -- like an episode of the show. Ah well, I still have incredibly high hopes for the next one. EH.

WALKING DEAD: THE RISE OF THE GOVERNOR HC: Sadly, as a piece of prose, I thought this kind of stank -- it's told in an odd voice (my English classes are decades behind me, is "They do this, they do that".... third person, present, is it? Awful awful choice in any case), and it relies way way too much on a last-minute twist that really doesn't make a lot of sense for what we see in the comic. It spends far too much of its length in stuff I really didn't care about (maybe the last 30 pages are in Woodsbury, making this kinda more "the road to the rise of the Governor", and, again, that "twist", ugh, cheaty-mccheaterpants.

As a marketing exercise, I understand this even less, as it is a tie-in to the COMIC BOOK (The TV show can't have the Governor until at least season 3, if that), yet the cover design just screams "TV show" in aesthetic. Yet anyone watching the show would likely be baffled by this novel, since there's not a single character they know in it. At the least, you'd expect that maybe there'd be a page of "now read the comics for more" or something. But, there's not -- Ugh!

Also: I couldn't really hear Kirkman's voice anywhere here. I rather get the feeling that he just plotted it, or something.

Sorry to say, this was pretty AWFUL.

FEAR ITSELF #7: Um, wow. this has not exactly been a stellar comic all the way along, but I think this issue is a special kind of low. Virtually nothing made sense to me (like WHY is Thor dead? I don't get it?), and it suffers greatly from the Lord of the Rings movie problem, where there's just epilogue after epilogue after epilogue, all designed to funnel you into other comic books. It also doesn't help there also was a brand new 12-issue (!) mini (the Fearless) spinning out the same day, nor that there also seems to be a new branding trade dress ("Shattered Heroes"), or, that they seemingly forgot about a few characters along the way (please see Graeme's AMAZING missing scene from the issue), or that they have the temerity to extend the mini by three more "issues" (7.1, 7.2, and 7.3? OY!), or that we're already ramping up for the next set of events and crossovers ("point one" ships in like 3 weeks), and it's all just too much.

It's a big giant "fuck you" to all of Marvel's readers.

The biggest sin, of course, is that it is just plain dull -- but the calculatedness on top of that? Fuck Marvel here, is what I say -- this was AWFUL.

WOLVERINE #17: I thought the "Schism" stuff was all kind of mediocre, generally, but at least it had a point and a purpose.

I go kind of crazy sometimes, when I read comics set in San Francisco, that gets basic stuff about The City 100% completely wrong. Like look at this cover:

There's no possible place in San Francisco this should could be from (remember, SF is surrounded on three sides by water -- the only place it isn't is SOUTH, so, no, you can't "walk off into the sunset"), and even putting that aside, well, I can find 8 different "no, not in SF things" here -- seriously, gang, I'm available cheap as a San Francisco fact checker!

This story here is fairly throw away, but I have to give it one big ups -- it has my new favorite line of dialogue of 2011.

So there's like a bunch of reporters standing around a crime scene, shouting questions at the harried detectives, just like what you've seen in a hundred movies, but has never happened in real life, and one shouts out something very close to:

"Captain, Captain, can you confirm that this murder puts kung-fu related deaths up by 200%?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The only rational response to a question like that would probably be "Yes, they're now at 200% of ZERO, dumbass", but this is comics, so that actually rules, and I'm going to give it a capricious-ass GOOD just for that line that made me giggle like a little school girl.

And, with that, I bid you anon, until next week...

As always, what did YOU think?

-B

Wait, What? 56.2: Let's Go Backwards When Forward Fails

As our old pal Reid Fleming used to say: "Ungawa!"

We've got the gripping ninety-two minute finale of Ep. 56 available for you, with Graeme and I talking Action Comics #1, G. Willow Wilson's Mystic, the Wolverine: Debt of Death one-shot, IDW's G.I. Joe: Cobra series, Kirby Genesis #3, our worries about the conclusion to X-Men: Schism, and a pretty sustained discussion (which will come as no surprise to long-time listeners) of Casanova #3 by Matt Fraction and Gabriel Ba.

In case you have no need for this thing puny hu-mans call "iTunes," you are hereby formally invited to listen to our fine audio programme right here, should you so choose:

Wait, What? Ep. 56.2: Lets Go Backwards When Forward Fails

And as ever, we thank you not just for listening, but also for the fine comments you contribute here at the website and at waitwhatpodcast [AT] gmail.com.  It is greatly appreciated!

Wait, What? Ep. 53.1: Why Are They Smiling?

I kinda like that I've decided to call this installment, "Why Are They Smiling?" and I have a this illustration of someone asking "Why are they smiling?" and also maybe someone says it in the very podcast, too. It's a bit like "Merv Griffin!", that most excellent Milk & Cheese cartoon, and it's a bit like that "turtles all the way down" meme, and a bit like that faux-Jack T. Chick Cthulhu strip, and it's a bit like I have headache and can't really think of anything especially subtle. So.

Due to said headache, I will skip the program notes which I've been trying to add (not really sure if they're helping anyone or not, anyway) and, hmmm, maybe I just need a banana or something to eat. Maybe it's a blood sugar thing. Yes. Existential blood sugar.

But don't let my hypoglycemia throw you: this is actually a mighty fine installment of Wait, What? we've got lined up for you. In it, Graeme McMillan and I reflect on Fear Itself #5, and Marvel's plans for its post-Fear Itself future; Flashpoint #4, Flashpoint: The Secret Seven, and Flashpoint: The Outsider; X-Men: Schism, Wolverine #13, PunisherMax #16 as well as the work of Jason Aaron; and the truly enjoyable Daredevil #2. It should be on iTunes, and it is most definitely here for you to listen to:

Wait, What? Ep. 53.1: Why Are They Smiling?

Oh, and I mentioned it there, so I mentioned it here--should you wish to drop us an email at waitwhatpodcast@gmail.com and send us comics or waffle-related gossip, we would certainly love to read it.  Mmmm, waffles...those have got to be better for your blood sugar than a banana, right?

Anyway, Ep. 53.2 should be here very, very shortly so there's always that.  My hope is that I'll have eaten by then.  Oh, and as always, thanks for listening!

"It's Not Like I Have Much DOWNTIME Anyway..." Comics! Sometimes I Fear Craft May Not Be Enough!

When I'm not inadvertently lying about Wally Wood creating Captain Britain I read comics and then I write some poorly judged words. Yeah, salesmanship! So, yeah, not a great week for comics, ey? Still, before I was utterly crushed by depression at the various items of unpalatable truth the Internet was souring my eyes with I wrote some words.

Trying to be a bit quicker so this is rough as a badger's backside. If it doesn't make anyone physically ill I'll try this again and thus be a bit more frequent. Everything in moderation, as my Dad used to say! Except boooshhhe (hic!), he'd add about three hours later.

Yes, it is all mainstream tights and fights crap this time. But I've plenty of other stuff to share, it just takes a bit more thought and time to digest than this stuff.

(Dear me: Shut up and just let it go! Sheesh!)

WOLVERINE #12

By Renato Guedes/Jose Wilson Magalhaes(a), Jason Aaron(w), Matthew Wilson(c) and VC’s Cory Petit (l)(Marvel, £3.99)

“Wolverine’s Revenge!” Part 3

Wolverine’s enemies gather around a TV to watch their hated enemy carve his way through a series of remarkably daft enemies. This has been happening for three straight issues now.

Another exciting issue of Wolverine: The Myth of Sisyphus! I think we get it now, Marvel Architect Jason Aaron. I think the point has been well and truly made. I’d go so far, if you’ll pardon my presumption at speaking on behalf of the entire readership of Wolverine, as saying that we’d pretty much got the point with the first issue, the one that was exactly the same as the two subsequent issues. And while we’re all here can I humbly request a moratorium on naff villains commenting on the fact that they are naff as though this self aware self deprecation somehow magically negates their naffness.  “I’m ToeTeeth, I have teeth in my …pretty lame, huh. Let’s you me fight!” It was cute a couple of times but it’s just grating now. A bit like me? I can read your mind!

I mean it’s grating in this comic because this is the third straight issue of it but its also grating because it’s pretty rife throughout Marvel comics as a whole. I just want to nip this one in the bud before it becomes as prevalent as Spider-Man telling women his spider-sense is “tingling!” (Haw! It’s funny because he means his penis! He’s telling the woman she is making his penis chubby with blood! Now she’s compelled to imagine his swollen and lightly moistened bulb trapped between his clammy skin and his taut uniform! With great power must come great sexpesting!)

Still, at least no one can complain that Jason Aaron hasn’t created any new characters. They are all rubbish mind you (but they know that - so it’s okay!) but they are all yours Marvel. Go make a movie about this bunch of sad sacks! But. But the bit where the guy makes the hobo dress up as Wolverine and then beats him to death was pretty funny. It would have been even funnier if he gave the hobo $3.99 first and his last word was EH!

(Wolverine was created by Len Wein and John Romita Snr. His first appearance was drawn by Herb Trimpe (Trim-PEY!))

CAPTAIN AMERICA #619

(Marvel, $3.99)

By Chris Samnee/Mitch Brettweiser/Butch Guice/Stefano Guadiano(a), Ed Brubaker(w), Bettie Bretweiser(c) and VC’s Joe Caramagna(l).

“GULAG” Part 4

Will Steve Rogers’ stop dithering long enough to rescue Bucky from his very Russian Hell? Or will salvation come in a shapelier guise? Surprised? You won’t be!

I don’t know, I just don’t know. It’s okay. There’s plenty of craft here. People are big on craft aren’t they? Apparently craft cures all ills. Lots of craft here. Hits the beats, does the job. You can’t complain if it’s got the craft, I’m told. It plods along and then stops right on the mark.  Art wise Chris Samnee makes everyone else look pallid in comparison no matter how many tricks they nick off Steranko. In the Not Chris Samnee bits Clark Gable turns up as the warden. Clark Gable is dead so it’s okay to steal his face it seems. These are the times we live in. When you die people take your face. Your face? Turned out you were just keeping it warm. You read CAPTAIN AMERICA #619 and it has craft so it is okay but you wish at some point it had had some life in it. If it had life in it perhaps it could wear its own face.

Oh, wait; there is one brief spike on the flatline of interest. It comes in the very final caption. This is quite clearly the result of someone coming back into the room after steaming up the John, only to find that in his absence the Totally Autonomous and Independent Marvel Architect Editorial Hive Mind has just picked Bucky, the very character he has just finished setting up a long term plot for, to be the victim of The Quarterly Death Sales Spike Lottery. Welcome to Groupthink, Marvel Architect Ed Brubaker. Welcome to Hell.

CAPTAIN AMERICA #619 has got Chris Samnee so it could never have been less than OKAY!

(CAPTAIN AMERICA was created by Joe Simon and JACK KIRBY.)

CAPTAIN AMERICA #1

(Marvel, $3.99)

By Steve McNiven/Mark Morales(a), Ed Brubaker(w), Justin Ponsor(c) and VC’s Joe Caramagna(l)

“American Dreamers” Part 1

Like a teenager on a Saturday night Captain America’s about to find out that sometimes dipping your wick can lead to violent retribution! Yes, once again The Past has returned to haunt him! While we can’t reveal our mystery villain let’s just say we almost called this one “Finding Zemo”!

After CAPTAIN AMERICA #619 comes CAPTAIN AMERICA #1 because as Mr. Jeff Lester says, “F**** numbers!” Got a potty mouth, that guy, but he’s kind to animals so it all evens out. Yes, obviously, it’s a new number one to take advantage of all the movie goers who tumble through the doors of every LCS in the land when a super-movie is parped out. Any minute now…(tumbleweed rolls across your screen)…While we’re waiting then I’ll just say that this is eerily like you might expect CAPTAIN AMERICA #620 to have been, in that it is exactly like every other Captain America story by Marvel Architect Ed Brubaker. Something happened in The Past and now Captain America must deal with the consequences in The Now!

Whenever I read a Captain America comic by Marvel Architect Ed Brubaker I find it handy to compare it to that issue where Bucky cried because he hadn’t had any Birthday cakes while he was a brainwashed Russian Assassin (CA#23.75,  “…All The Cakes That Are My Life!”). This is better than that one. But then that one was Godawful. Christ, that comic. Despite the wealth of craft I’m expected to care about what’s happening without being given any reason to other than if I don’t I’ve just wasted $3.99 (or 5 shillings and 6 pence). I mean that’s a pretty powerful stimulus but I’d prefer a creative one. I did like the way that the whole revenge thing could have been avoided if Peggy Carter had been less of a round heels. Men, Oy, such children they are! Oh, this has craft and…yes, it has craft. It’s certainly got craft. Craft, it’s got. Well done on the craft end of things, everybody.

Steve McNiven draws it. I hear people like Steve McNiven. He has craft too. He’s very popular; I’m guessing this is because Travis Charest fans need something to read while they are waiting for more Travis Charest things to read. I enjoyed the attention the colourist paid to Nick Fury’s face lines and seeing tiny wee Red Skull doing his Donkey Kong dance always cheers me up. I also enjoyed Steve McNiven’s attempts to vary his page layouts. By which I mean I enjoyed the fact that he had attempted to do so rather than I enjoyed the final results. Steve McNiven’s okay, he’s fine. He’s no Chris Samnee but, y’know, maybe one day. This was perfectly decent but at $3.99 I’d like a bit more than OKAY!

(CAPTAIN AMERICA was still created by Joe Simon and Jack KIRBY.)

(Everybody okay? Everyone make it out to the other side?)

Have a nice weekend y'all but remember - everything's nicer with COMICS!

Verse Chorus Verse: Jeff's Capsule Reviews from 6/8

Does it bode ill for my reviews when I can't think of a clever thing to say while convincing you to follow me behind the jump for capsule reviews?  It probably is, isn't it?  Ah, well.  I just finished watching the screen adaptation of The Black Dahlia.  I mean, I'd heard that movie would be bad, but there were wrong casting decisions, terrible direction, and some bad mistakes in adapting Ellroy's skeezy epic to the screen. As a quasi-fan of Brian DePalma, it's a painful, painful movie to watch.  And I blame it for my inability to bring you a witty intro: the movie is a like a form of slow-acting toxin to the higher brain functions. Anyway, after the jump:  lower brain function reviews of Empowered: Ten Questions for the Maidman, Invincible Iron Man #504, Witch Doctor #0, and more.

EMPOWERED: TEN QUESTIONS FOR THE MAIDMAN:  Maidman -- the cross-dressing vigilante of Adam Warren's Empowered universe -- gets his own one-shot with alternating black and white sections by Adam Warren and color sections by Emily Warren. It was a book I wanted to deeply like, but really only admired. You can read this one-shot as a deconstruction of Batman (Maidman is one of the few non-powered superheroes in the Emp universe and easily the most feared), a deconstruction of Batman analogs (in some ways, this is the funniest issue of Midnighter never published), or maybe even a spoof of the cape industry's current trend in Mary-Sueisms.  Alternately, you could also take it as a face value, with Warren using the same gimmicks to get the reader to like Maidman that Johns or Bendis or a host of others use these days -- (a) introduce character; (b) have everyone talk admiringly of character; (c) show character doing something impossibly awesome; (d) profit.  Empowered: Ten Questions... shows Warren as being as skilled a practitioner of the current bag of comics writing magic tricks as anyone currently working.  I'm glad he at least has his own little universe to toy about with, but I wish I could get more worked up about a more-or-less OK one-shot...in no small part because I worry about him getting it yanked out from under him if the sales aren't there.  Vexingly OK.

INVINCIBLE IRON MAN #504:  Really interesting to read a book where the regular writer is caught off-balance by the obligatory line-wide event when the same guy is writing that event, too.  I mean, that two page scene with Tony and Pepper is really quite good for what it is.  But the meat of the issue, where Tony goes to Paris because one of the hammers of the Worthy has landed there, is underwhelming. Fraction clearly built the issue to that last page climax but it feels like that's the only thing he's trying to  accomplish.  So when you get to that last page, it definitely has some punch to it but it also eaves you feeling super-empty and annoyed immediately after.

Also, that last page what feels like part of an ongoing tug-of-war between Fraction and Larrocca. Instead of focusing on rendering that kinda-important pile of stones Tony is on top of, Larroca focuses on the building beside it.  It doesn't feel quite like a "fuck you" from one collaborator to another, but it does suggest painfully opposing goals\.  $3.99 price-tag + ineffective storytelling + forced event crossover=AWFULness.

POWER-MAN & IRON FIST #5: Similarly, last issue of this miniseries turned out very meh in the end despite my modest expectations.  Wellinton Alves' work ended up rushed and ugly, and Van Lente's script tried to do wayyyy too much in too short a time.  Not only do both heroes have romantic relationships resolved in this issue, but a mystery is solved, fight scenes are had, and the creepy Comedia Del'Morte are...well, frankly, I have no idea what happened to them.  It's a shame because I was won over by so much less with that back-up story from Amazing Spider-Man. (On the plus side,with very little rejiggering, Van Lente and Alves could re-tool this as an arc of the post-Morrison Batman & Robin and it'd fit right in.)  I'm tempted to get all Rex Reedy on you and say this puts the EH back in "meh," but I won't...in part because it was AWFUL.

SECRET AVENGERS #13: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! No. CRAP.

WALKING DEAD #85/WITCH DOCTOR #0:  Although I like the swerve Kirkman made with this storyline a few issues back, I don't know if there's really much more going on than that.  I suspect as we come 'round issue #100, Kirkman's biggest flaw --his ability to dramatize character development is rudimentary at best, and so he has to have scenes where his characters explain their motivations to one another for us to get it --  is getting more and more apparent. While I'm at it, Charlie Adlard's biggest strength -- drawing a large cast of characters to keep them easily identifiable without resorting to any flashy tricks -- may also be hindering this book:  the dramatic scenes either run to the inert or the occasionally overheated.  Energy, ambition and craft have gotten these guys farther and higher than anyone would've suspected and I in no way mean to diminish their achievement.  But I think if this book is going to make another 85 issues, they're going to need to shake up their skillsets for a change, not their storyline. OK stuff.

As for WITCH DOCTOR #0, despite having very little interest based on the material I'd seen online, I ended up enjoying the hell out of it.  Everyone [by which I mean at least me] has always wanted to write a biologic explanation for vampires, a la Matheson's treatment in I am Legend, but writer Brandon Seifert really goes to town here. Lines like "his saliva's got the usual bloodfeeder chemistry set-- vasodilator, anticoagulant and an anesthetic--plus some interesting mystical secretions.  I think one's a anterograde amnesiac--" make my heart go pitter-pat, and Seifert has a lot of them.  I can easily see how it might feel dry to some, but to me it showed a commitment to research and world-building I think you really need to make a series about a doctor (even a mystical one) work.  As for Lukas Ketner's art, it's enjoyably quirky, especially when it chooses to go detailed and when it decides to loosen up: panels of this remind me of Wrightson, others of William Stout, and still others of Jack Davis, and I could never figure out when the next swerve was going to happen.  VERY GOOD stuff and I'm definitely on-board for the first few issues of the regular title now.

WOLVERINE #9:  Not the most recent issue I know, but so much more satisfying than issue #10, I figured you'd forgive me for writing about it instead.  I mean, to begin with:  God damn, this is some gorgeous looking work.  Daniel Acuna (who I guess is doing both the art and the colors) really sold me on this story about a mysterious assassin (Lord Deathstrike) and Wolverine both trying to hunt down Mystique on the streets of San Francisco. But I should point out that there's three full pages of wordless action that feel perfectly placed in the script and I think writer Jason Aaron should really be commended for having the confidence to let the art do its stuff.  And there's also a hilariously over-the-top assassination scene at the beginning that I loved.  I suspect this book is going to have diminishing sales in no small part because Aaron just can't keep away from writing Wolverine's adventures with a strong dash of the absurdly extreme, and a larger audience for this character really want this stuff served straight-up.  I can understand that desire (especially when you get issues like #10 where it's Logan vs. the Man with the Jai-Alai Feet) but when you get such an artist who can sell you on both the sweet & sour sauce of Aaron's mix of awesome and absurd? It's really pretty satisfying.  This was one hell of a  VERY GOOD issue.

UNCANNY X-FORCE #11:  I guess this is what you can do with okay art and good characterization--you can make me care somewhat about stuff I wouldn't ordinarily care about. I missed out on the original Age of Apocalypse stuff powering the plot here and yet, thanks to a forty-issue Exiles habit, I'm pretty familiar with what's going on.  In fact, arguably I'm too familiar as I felt like I was at least a beat or two ahead of the plot at all times.  But at least some of the time I was surprised by what the characters said or how they said it.   I still quietly pine for the awesomeness of the first five issues, but this was on the high end of OK for me.

SECRET AVENGERS #13: Seriously, though.  Do you need to know why I thought this was terrible?  Well, let's just say when your plot about a Washington invasion hinges on the fierce determination of a congressman who also happens to be a magical negro mutant, and that leads to Lincoln from the Lincoln Monument and all the dinosaurs from the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History rising up to hold the line, then I think it's safe to say things have gone wrong.  Weirdly, I could've bought it in a DC book -- for whatever reason, I expect the surreal and the schmaltzy to intermingle more freely there -- but here it seems like a big ol' misfire.  Again, to sum up:  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! No. CRAP.

And that's my week in pamphlets.  As for my TRADE PICK....

BAKUMAN, VOL. 5:  Oh man, how I love this series.  It's not an easy sell, I know, and I'll be the first to admit that first volume is more than a little forced.  And in fact, here in volume 5, there is still a surprising number of misfires:  for example, there's a chapter here about an artist who is so committed to proving his worth to his writer that he draws pages outside her window in the middle of a blizzard and it's really treacly and ineffective. And there are more than a few hilariously cynical moves by the writer and artist to pander to their publishers:  in more than a few places, the editors and publishers of Shonen Jump are treated with a degree of reverence that borders on the fanatical.

On the other hand, Bakuman has changed my understanding of how manga is created so much I've since read other titles with new eyes --I doubt I would've enjoyed my thirteen volume romp through One-Piece nearly as much without it. And even more than that, I'm totally a sucker for the way Ohba and Obata have introduced so many different young manga creators and then blurred the lines between enemies and allies so much you realize none really exist.  As a book about the comics industry properly should, Bakuman is very much about who you have to decide to trust and the possible long-term implications of those choices.  But it's also a book where competition doesn't preclude comradeship and that totally hits a sweet spot of insecurities and needs I didn't really know I had.  Really, the series is so very far from perfect it's kinda painful...and yet the last four volumes now have been some of my favorite reading of the last year.  VERY, VERY GOOD for me, but you really not might feel at all the same.

Wait, What? 11.1: We've Got Soul, but We're Not (Seven) Soldiers...

Yep, it's true--somehow Graeme and I are still managing to make time, talk, record, edit, and upload episodes without utterly descending into utterly braindead gibberish noises--I mean, sure, Episode 11.1 starts off with us talking about the weather (and Wolverine!) but we also talk about the Final Crisis hardcover, New X-Men, and Graeme's re-examination of Seven Soldiers is really interesting, excited stuff. You can grab it off Itunes or, if you prefer, listen to it here:

Wait, What?, Ep. 11.1

My apologies to those of you who've been kind enough to leave feedback in the comments that we haven't had a chance to respond to directly (VoodooBen, I've been meaning to give you a direct response to your Kick-Ass question for days now....) but I wanted to let you know it's much appreciated by both Graeme McMillions and myself...

Anyway, thanks for the feedback and for listening and we should have another installment for you soon!

The Best He Is At What He Does, As Long As That Isn't Preventing Rampant Piracy

Mr. Claremont, you're a man of strong opinions. Who would you say your favorite Wolverine writers are, besides you?

"Len Wein. Archie Goodwin...[long pause]...well, he isn't a writer, but a creative force: Hugh Jackman."

[8 second pause at least, give or take when I actually started counting out of confusion at whether he was done talking]

"Oh! Larry Hama." So I watched that X-Men Origins: Wolverine movie, and while I have to admit to being impressed that the popularity of overly wordy titles with colons has made their way from Batman Battle For The Cowl: Holy God In Heaven You People Will Learn To Like Hush to the feature film marquee--although I think we should still give credit to Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever--I can't honestly say that I really enjoyed the movie that much. Let's get back to that in a second. When we do, there will be spoilers.

I actually had Wolverine on the brain already, because earlier this week I went to the esteemed Museum of Cartoon & Comic Art, so that I could take in the final days of their current installment, From Riche Rich to Wendy The Witch: The Art of Harvey Comics. While there, a panel literally rose up around me, like my pants often do. It was called "Wolverine: Inside The World Of The Living Weapon," which I thought was an EXCELLENT name, as it corresponded to a recently released coffee table book about that same blade-fingered hairy midget. Hell, even the writer of the book, Matthew Manning, was there! And so was Chris Claremont! And they were there to talk about Wolverine! And I read Wolverine comics! I use exclamation marks when I think about Wolverine! 

It wasn't really my thing. I'm not even really sure whose thing it was, since Sabretooth's Number One Fan was there and even he seemed kind of put out by the whole thing. Seriously, Wolverine: Inside The World of the Living Weapon-The Critical Symposium, it's okay if you can't turn me on: i'm a hipster douche who reads Nana. But c'mon. Sabretooth's number one fan? He should be doing a lot more than being confused about why, exactly, Chris Claremont is writing a follow-up series to a comic from 1991. That was, of course, what an event designed to promote a coffee table book turned into: an event designed to promote Claremont's upcoming X-Men Forever series. Matthew Manning got in some time when he could-he definitely mentioned that Wolverine was too tall in Grant Morrison's version of the comic, a mistake that led Chris Claremont to excitedly tell everybody that X-Men Forever will soon remedy by showing Logan as being a head shorter than Jean Grey on the first of its many splash pages. But there wasn't really much said about Wolverine himself that you can't find on a message board or a bathroom stall--Claremont's description of the character's home wouldn't have been out of order if it had been used to describe the hideouts Two-Face always has, there was a vocal dismissal from both audience and Claremont when Manning attempted to explain the current status of Romulus or Romulack or Rom: Space Robot and his place in the "lineage" of Logan's history, the word "animal" was used quite a bit...overall, it was exactly what you'd expect from that sort of thing if you imagined what it would be instead of going. It was Chris Claremont talking about his X-Men stories and his idea of who Wolverine is. He's "mysterious". He's "struggling with the animal".

Which--sure, I guess that's right. It's certainly not wrong. I always kind of figure Wolverine works best when he's got non-Wolverine-people around him, so those people can be sort of grossed out/fascinated by him, depending on his willingness to just kill shit with the knives that come out of his hands. He works when you don't have to think about him too hard, because, like a lot of comic book super-hero characters with the gritty emotional problems, I don't really find any pleasure in Thinking About Them. The pleasure is in them Doing Stuff, and Wolverine is a good go-to guy when it comes time for Doing Stuff while Saying Something That Is Hardcore. He's got gigantic razor claws, he can recover from being shot in the mouth, and he's more than willing to decapitate and maim. I'm not so sure why that needs a background--which is one of the subjects where I pretty much agreed with Chris Claremont, who said "I don't care about the adventures of Weapon X or the history of Wolverine. It's about what happens next." (The irony that he will soon be publishing a comic that ignores 18 years of what happened next in the X-Men universe seemed lost on Claremont, but hey, I don't really think much about Onslaught Reborn either, and from what I hear, Chuck Austen's time on the series caused many cases of CancerAids.) 

Of course, no matter what was supposed to happen at MOCCA, the impetus for the event had to be the Hugh Jackman--third best Wolverine writer--film that came out in theaters today following a successful month-long run for free on the Internet. Now, it's of course totally wrong to steal, and we all know that, and yet: I walk down Canal Street enough to know that until the NYPD officers standing 14 yards away from the guy selling five dollar copies of X-Men Origins: Wolverine start saying "Hey buddy, you're really screwing over the Hollywood people", I think the whole moral complaint is going to be problematic to enforce. It's not just that the police don't care about digital piracy--which they don't--it's that the guys selling pirated movies know full and fucking well that the police don't care. But hey, it's out now. Did you see it?

Yeah, it's pretty dumb.

Now, don't get me wrong: I like action movies. I like super-hero movies too, especially when they also double as good action movies. Some of what's on tap in Wolverine isn't that bad, either, particularly the part where Wolverine goes flying into the air and destroys a helicopter. It's not as cool as when Chris Bachalo did something similar, or when the T-1000 drove a motorcycle into a helicopter, but still: it's a guy destroying a helicopter with his hands. As long as you've got decent special effects guys on the team, that's going to be difficult to screw up. The problem with Wolverine--which is the same problem that any action movie has, most of the time--is everything that isn't a "sort of cool" action sequence. Which is a good 50% of the movie. That number is probably higher, now that I think about it.

I'll admit, the film didn't really grab me right away, with its opening introduction of Logan, the sickly kid from the Secret Garden turned patricidal partner of Victor, the kid who is a creepy sociopath. It's not that I'm so in love with the character that I don't want to see him "sullied" as a whining crybaby, it's that I don't really want to watch any movie that opens with bad child actors doing and saying dumb things, no matter whether it happens for one minute or five. From there, it skips right past a sort of fan-fiction/Wolverine Origins Wet Dream, by showing Hugh Jackman and Liev Shrieber run across the sets of The Patriot, Glory, Paths of Glory, and Saving Private Ryan, thus denying me the chance to see a scenery-chewing Sabretooth rip off Tom Hanks' dying face as he stutters out "Earn this." This sequence, which portrays war as being an occupation best held by men who like to run in slow motion up and down hills, climaxes with a thirty second take on Casualties of War, wherein Sabretooth's plans to rape are interrupted by a selfish superior who Liev apparently decapitates, if I heard the dialog correctly. After a failed execution of both Jackman and Schreiber, the two end up on a team made up of some other Marvel characters and led by Danny Huston, who couldn't be less similar in apperance to Bryan Cox unless his character was played by a Chinese woman. After a couple of action sequences, Wolverine decides he's had enough of killing innocent people, which means that the last 100 years he spent tooling around with Sabretooth was a time when he was either blind drunk or mentally retarded, since it's made abundantly clear that's all that Sabretooth likes to do, and he goes off to play in the woods with some girl and blah blah blah let's coat him with liquid metal and have some more action sequences. Oh look! Cyclops and Gambit!

It's not that Wolverine's plot is a little confusing--i've seen that comment made by the non-comics based movie reviewers--it's that it doesn't make any sense at all. Why does Wolverine get tired of slaughter in a random African village after a good 100 years of it? Why does he all of a sudden decide he can't be around Sabretooth anymore at that exact moment, instead of maybe earlier, when Sabretooth was going to rape a local Vietnamese girl? Why does William Stryker come up with such a convoluted and bizarro plan to get Logan to participate in the Weapon X project? Why does the movie take a comedy break for the fat guy from Austin Powers to drink Powerade? Again, think of that helicopter explosion: of course you put that in a movie like this. It sounds great on paper. But when has casting Will.I.Am ever sounded good on paper? For anything?

I'm not going to pretend I wouldn't enjoy watching a Wolverine movie--maybe one based off his Frank Miller adventures, maybe even an origin flick as horror film based off Barry Windsor-Smith's Weapon X story--but I'm also not going to struggle to enjoy something like this when there's far more entertaining and less irritating action movies. For me?

Dude, this sucker was straight up EH. 

Polishing off the 8/4 comics

Just a few things to go, then I'll do the books post... LOVE AND ROCKETS v2 #11: Like I said, I don't "get" L&R, but are Jaime and Gilbert just excellent cartoonists? There are panels throughout each story that I like to just stare at. I especially liked bits from "Life Through Whispers". I just don't get the stories at all. Still, aesthetically, hard to say less than Good.

GUARDIANS #2: This is probably moving a lot slower than it should (page 2 and the plot is just starting?) but the art is nice and the characterizations are strong. I don't really care what happens, really (especially for $3 a throw), so let's call it OK.

WOLVERINE / PUNISHER #5: Hard to imagine a more phoned-in script, but, Christ, it's Wolverine & Punisher, I suppose I shouldn't expect Dostoevsky. Still, the story doesn' t end as much as stop, and practically promises a sequel. Big waste of my 5 minutes reading time. Crap.

X-MEN UNLIMITED: The juggernaut story was cute I guess (Except, um, what's up with the hearts in the last panel? Scott and Juggy have made a love connection? Ew!), but the Emma/Logan story didn't hang together than well. Overall, call it Eh.

ENGINE HEAD #4: I tried to read this twice, and I'm still not sure I understood what is going on. I usually like McKeever's art, but it seems unfocused here. Sorry: Awful.

BATMAN / CATWOMAN: TRAIL OF THE GUN: Generally, I have to say, if you gave me a choice, I'd ask to read stories, not one-sided screeds. I favor gun control, and could barely stagger through the polemics of this. Those 5 pages of super-extreme violence upfront were nasty, rather than affecting. Plus, let's be serious, the central idea of the story is inane -- a gun that "never misses"? What, it's telepathic? That sequence where they guy fires a burst IN THE AIR and the bullets circle around to hit 3 different people? Even with comic book physics that's preposterous. Why wouldn't the bullets circle around and hit the firer? Why wouldn't they all go after one target? Sheesh. Plus the whole concept that trying to find the prototype would mean anything? Hello, if such a thing exists, they have the plans to make more. Sheesh. The only saving grace here is Ethan Van Scriver's art, which in a few places is a breathtaking joy to behold. The horror in Selina's posture in what I'll call the mascara pages is really powerful. Too bad, it was in service to such a shitty shitty polemic. Crap.

There you go. Give me an hour or so to come back and do the books....

-B