“I Fail To See What’s So Remarkable About Two Robots Dancing.” COMICS! Sometimes I’ll Need To See Some ID Before You Go Any Further, Sunshine.

This time out I look at 2000AD yet again, but you can tell I’m getting a bit worn down. Not because you’re perceptive, but because I flat out say so. Then in an attempt to pep things up a bit I take a look at  a one man anthology by the one man affront to all that’s rational! Men want to be him, women want to be with him, and the FBI just plain want him! It’s that loveable scamp, the part-time Cher impersonator and full-time living colossus of Comics, Mr. Gilbert “Betty” Hernandez. And this wretched creature on the end of my critical stick is BLUBBER #2.  (Strictly no kids past the MORE…) BLUBBER by Gilbert Hernandez

Anyway, this…

2000AD #1967 & #1968 Art by Mark Sexton, Richard Elson, Clint Langley, John Burns, Carlos Ezquerra Written by Michael Carroll, Dan Abnett, Pat Mills, Kek-W, John Wagner Lettered by Annie Parkhouse, Ellie De Ville, Simon Bowland Coloured by Len O’Grady Cover by Clint Langley JUDGE DREDD created by Carlos Ezquerra & John Wagner KINGDOM created by Richard Elson & Dan Abnett ABC WARRIORS created by Kevin O’Neill, Brendan McCarthy, Mick McMahon & Pat Mills THE ORDER created by John Burns & Kek-W STRONTIUM DOG created by Carlos Ezquerra & John Wagner © 2016 Rebellion A/S Rebellion, £2.55 each, weekly (2016)

What? Again? Already? Stomm, I’m not really feeling it this time out. The problem it turns out is that weekly instalments all end up being a wee bit samey, so it’s a little difficult coming up with something new to say. But we’ll persevere, after all that’s why they pay me the big bucks. In the indicia to Prog 1967 Tharg’s hidden message is that he is very busy and everything is late. By Prog 1968 things seem to have calmed a little and he’s crowing about how only the best Venusian oil will do for his droids, but is considering doing a Kickstarter due to the high costs of importing said oil. (N.B. It is tacitly understood by readers that 2000AD’s editor is a green skinned Betelgeusian and the creators who toil beneath his tyrannical yoke are all characterised as robots who should think themselves lucky. Over in the UK we find this kind of thing amusing.)

JUDGE DREDD (Sexton, Carroll, O’Grady & Parkhouse)

In Prog 1968 the not entirely convincing saga of Judge Badger and the Secret Citi-Block of Rogue Judges comes to a somewhat sudden end. Taking the tale as a whole I’d have to say it was a well done enough chunk of fun, but very little had changed by the end. Dredd’s fascistic veneer took another tiny little knock but more importantly, I guess, Carroll laid the groundwork for future stories which won’t trip over John Wagner’s stuff. Mark Sexton was the star of this one with his crisply attired Judges smoothly navigating the slightly scruffy future setting. And either Len O’Grady or Sexton himself did some nice layering with the colours to lend the images depth, which really paid off in the fighting on catwalks scenes. Carroll’s story was sound on the surface but had some worrying chinks in its armour. A scene where one of four chains supporting a craft was shot resulted in the craft plummeting onto the bad guys below, but should really just have resulted in that corner of the craft drooping and bobbling about like Bruce Willis’ penis in the Color of Night pool scene. And no matter how close sisters may be, it’s unlikely a fascistic wingnut with delusions of grandeur is likely to risk decades of covert skulduggery just so they can be together. Now, we’re all God’s children so I’m not saying fascists lack normal human feelings but it is a fact that I’ve never seen a “For Fascists” section in a greeting card shop. But, y’know, the twist involving DeMarco was, however, pretty neat and all my typically minor carps were ultimately outweighed by the strong pacing and the high entertainment quotient. Solid stuff so GOOD!

KINGDOM (Elson, Abnett & DeVille)

Despite the fact that Prog 1966 promised all kinds of hell was about to break loose Prog 1967 has a weirdly truncated fight scene which pisses away the promise of the preceding issue’s double page spread to basically just establish our cast are now in a siege situation. Then someone notices a giant insect mound that they should probably go and pour a giant kettle of hot water down in order to stop the insect horde. So they decide to do that. Come Prog 1968 Gene and Co, are well on their way, and in case you were wondering how they got out of the besieged city then be assured that Abnett makes every effort to make you think he’s explained that, but you’re pretty sure he hasn’t. Or maybe he did, I read this when I was tired (but I don’t think he did explain it). Prog 1968’s episode opens with a couple of humans who previously appeared in the strip during the 8 years I wasn’t reading it. That’s okay, because there’s a little note referring to previous events. They don’t do notes like that in North American comics anymore because everything happens so slowly that drawing attention to it would just be dispiriting to everyone. (“Miles first started cooking these pancakes six issues ago!”, Underutilised Ed!) Accompanying the humans is another dog thing who immediately starts fighting Gene, our hero, in a page snaffling instance of the usual clichéd misunderstanding  so beloved of old timey comics. Efficiency remains the watchword with Abnett’s script and Elson continues to steadfastly draw it all with a crispness that Quentin (*) would envy. OKAY! (*) Quentin Crisp not Quentin Tarantino. C’mon, work with me here.

ABC WARRIORS (Langley, Mills & Parkhouse)

If at any point anyone out there (SMASH CUT to street as seen in Western movies, cue tumbleweed and eerie whistling) is considering berating Pat Mills for the lack of subtlety in his satire you may wish to remind yourself that in PROG 1967 the villainous Howard Quartz draws up a Death List of droids for the chop, and he writes the names on a tablet clearly headed “DEATH LIST”. I don’t think Pat Mills is under any misapprehensions about the level of satire he’s offering up. But you might be. These two episodes are set in Gracie’s Bar and the second features Ro-Jaws and Hammerstein doing a song and dance number gussied up in top hat and tails. It’s a Hell of an image and Langley delivers it as he delivers all his imagery here, with an appropriately messy undercurrent to the technology on show. It was at that point that I started to strongly suspect Mills was actually writing this story within (between) the very earliest Ro-Busters stories, because I know that image of the dancing droids of old; it kind of sticks with you. How very clever, Pat Mills. Of course I can’t tell you how successfully he’s doing it, because I don’t still have those issues, but still a doff of the cap and all that.  What is new (to me) is Mills’ subversive take on the “cakewalk” and how by applying it (retroactively) to Ro-Jaws and Hammerstein’s antics he’s able to bed in his slaves/robots  (sub)text so deep it won’t shift. Satire doesn’t have to be subtle (and it doesn’t even have to be funny) it just needs to ring true. Ding! Ding! VERY GOOD!

THE ORDER (Burns, Kek-W & De Ville)

Like I said back there, I was tired when I read these comics so in-between all the stuff about consciousness transferring, lovers reunited and my personal confusion over the fact that what I had previously thought was one woman was in fact two women (said confusion despite John Burns attiring one in a memory searing outfit of scarlet leather) I think I recall Francis Bacon being in this. No, the philosopher and statesman, not the painter. It’s set in the 1580s, so come on, play fair now. Anyway, if you look him up on Wikipedia so you can type “the philosopher and statesman, not the painter” like you know what you are talking about, there’s a facsimile of his signature. It’s got his birth date and everything on there as well, which I find a touch dicey given all the palaver about identity theft these days. (“Hello, Mr. Bacon? This is VisaCard, can you confirm the fact that you recently purchased a 97” HD-Ready Television in Portugal yesterday?” “No, no, I did not. I live in Balham and I’m perfectly happy with my current television. Damn, it’s those irresponsible fuckers at Wikipedia again!”)  See, whenever a real life historical figure appears in a comic I am unavoidably reminded of Jonathan Hickman and Dustin Weaver’s (still uncompleted) SHIELD series. In a clear bid for intellectual cachet this series (the still uncompleted SHIELD one by Jonathan Hickman and Dustin Weaver) about Tony Stark’s Dad (Larry Stark) and Reed Richard’s Dad (Trevor Richards) bro-ing about, also had Sir Isaac Newton and Leonardo Da Vinci squaring off because comics. Being a modern man I know very little about, and I have very little interest in, anything that does not impinge directly on my life, a remit which some long dead boffins scarcely fill, but I’m pretty sure they were clever fellows. Yet in Jonathan Hickman and Dustin Weaver’s (still uncompleted) SHIELD series these two had their followers dress in uniforms and run at each other in the street like slightly less boorish football hooligans. It’s this deft handling of real-life historical figures which always comes to mind when another such figure rears its head in a story. Um, I’ve lost track of what I was on about. I usually mention John Burns’ art is a treat for the eyes, did I do that yet? OKAY! 

STRONTIUM DOG (Ezquerra, Wagner & Bowland)

STRONTIUM DOG continues to be so reliable as to be easily taken for granted when in fact its very reliability should be the subject of envy throughout the Comics World. Guess which bit I left until last and then ran out of time on. Hey, I’m sorry my review isn’t up to snuff but I want a weekend too! VERY GOOD!

WOULD ALL CHILDREN PLEASE LEAVE THE AUDITORIUM! LADIES POSSESSED OF A DELICATE NATURE AND GENTLEMEN SUFFERING FROM DISORDERS OF THE MIND ARE ALSO ENCOURAGED TO SEEK ALTERNATE SHELTER FOR THE DURATION OF THE FOLLOWING! (!!KLAXON SOUNDS!!) THE MANAGEMENT THANKS YOU. AND NOW…

BLUBBER #2 by Gilbert Hernandez Fantagraphics $3.99 (2016) © 2016 Gilbert Hernandez (DIAMOND CODE: SEP151339)

WARNING! BLUBBER (DIAMOND CODE: SEP151339) is proper nasty. Dirrrrrrrrty, even.

There is a school of thought that BLUBBER (DIAMOND CODE: SEP151339) is Gilbert Hernandez taking the piss out of the whole Comics Aren’t Just for Kids! horsepuckey by applying to the tropes of childish entertainment: superheroes, zombies, bad girls, monsters etc. a more realistic approximation of the actual recreational thoughts of real-life adults. Sure, everyone pretends adults are forever relaxing with a cheeky red while reading the novels of Stefan Zweig or watching the movies of Shohei Imamura, whereas of course they are mostly getting shitfaced on gassy piss and reading Dan Brown books or watching Star Wars movies. Which they are perfectly entitled to do. And, lest we forget, it’s a white knuckle ride for anyone anticipating sophistication and erudition once they pass through the beaded curtain into the “Adult” section of anywhere at all. So I’m told. Mind you, none of that matters since I am the only person attending that school, and its curriculum reflects so badly on both humanity and myself that its funding has been pulled with a view to it being demolished, the ground salted, and the whole unwise endeavour replaced by a statute of Deadpool miming a slightly risqué joke.

BLUBBER by Gilbert Hernandez

So, politicians, dog fondlers, Catholic priests, ham radio enthusiasts, bacon fetishists and people with unimpeachable taste in comics rejoice, because YES! it’s the second issue of Gilbert Hernandez’ sanity taunting BLUBBER (DIAMOND CODE: SEP151339)! That’s right, kids, the Best Comic of 2016©™® has already arrived! In January yet! And yes I do know it is now February but I’ve been busy; those ritual murders currently baffling the finest minds in law enforcement won’t commit themselves! So, February 2016 and already everyone else in comics can pack up and fuck right off, because here comes BLUBBER #2 (DIAMOND CODE: SEP151339)! In this issue of BLUBBER (DIAMOND CODE: SEP151339) bestiality and mutilation flaunt themselves with gay abandon upon every B&W page. This time out though the familiar menageries of witlessly priapic and savagely violent species are joined by the most witlessly priapic and savagely violent species of all – humanity! Jism drizzled and blood sodden capers ensue. But don’t take my unbiased and wholly reliable word for it; check out the sordid menu yourself:

BLOVIATE! as the order comes from above for “T.A.C. Man” to track down the pollum and “fuck him up!” Can the world’s first Tactical! Advanced! Commando! Man! best his turgid membered and swingingly nippled nemesis? Meanwhile, back at the base bureaucratic thrills galore occur as Mr. Hippy is genitally mutilated and then cruelly defenestrated by Marshman in a  fit of pique! And could all this dark malarkey be the sinister work of the erectly menacing Wild Dicks? The only way to find out is to rub BLUBBER (DIAMOND CODE: SEP151339) against your face! T.A.C.TASTIC BONUS! Featuring the discharge enhancing debut of the sensational character find of 2016 – Boat Man! More than a man! More than a boat! It’s Boat Man! T.A.C. Man and Boat Man! Orifices on land and sea beware! T.A.C. Man and Boat Man! Action and buoyancy in blissful syncopation! T.A.C. Man and Boat Man! CHUCH MY MUNG, TRUE BELIEVERS!

BLUBBER by Gilbert Hernandez

INVEST! as “XXX Superstar Pupusi And Her Pals” degrade and traduce the beauty of the physical act of love with a cheeky wink, a sticky smile and maybe a philosophical bon mot or two! Ooh! Watch out Pupusi and Maximiliano! That creepy peeper, Mr. Hammernuts is at it again! The big shit!

BOONDOGGLE! as Gilbert Hernandez answers the question which has stumped the finest scientific minds since the world first cooled like a big spherical pie on the window ledge of the universe! Go tell your Momma, go tell the Spartans, “Who Fears The Froat?”

COMBUST! As the micro-dicked Grecian buff-cakes of “Sweet” amble about sating their sexual impulses via the slits, vents and cavities of willing fauna such as the Pooso and the Orlat. What does such mindless and crassly loveless debauchery mean? It means, dude, life is “Sweet”! Whoa! SAVOURY BONUS! Discover the untold secret origin of XXX Pupusi’s name!

LACTATE! for all must fall before the wildly flailing fists of THE TAMPERRRRRR! None must be allowed to slow his surly progress! See how he trundles sowing truculent violence in his wake! But wait! Has our tin carapaced malcontent finally met his match in the form of a Junipero Molestat? Can only an unconvincingly proffered claim as to the debilitating effects of a recent heavy cold save face? The answer will leave you UNRUFFLED! All hail the gutless metal bully! THE TAMPERRRRRR!!!!

SPINDLE! as events take a decidedly spiritual turn when “Father Puto”  takes a break from his incessant pud tugging to join Bulto N. Piper and  Bumps the Faun at the Zombie field. Events soon turn sour as Father Pupa’s dislike of Bumps the Faun lures him into expressing his baser nature. A small mind and a closed heart result in an eruption of anal horror and tragic asphyxiation due to ingestion of a bitten off zombie-cock. But wait? Could this all be part of God’s design? Will the chastened cleric get another chance to get it right? Find out in the latest adventure of the priest with the cum stained pants!

T.A.C.GASMIC BONUS! T.A.C. Man and Marshman “cross swords” once more with attendance at the celebration of the Christian Eucharist hanging in the balance!

N.B. BLUBBER (DIAMOND CODE: SEP151339) is not suitable for children or people with any sense of decorum or shame.

For the rest of us though, BLUBBER (DIAMOND CODE: SEP151339) is EXCELLENT!

BLUBBER (DIAMOND CODE: SEP151339) - Don’t ask, just weep!

BLUBBER by Gilbert Hernandez

BLUBBER (DIAMOND CODE: SEP151339) is – COMICS!!!

“Let’s All Send Him Our Love.” COMICS! Sometimes I Suspect My Chakras Are Stunted.

Anthologies don’t sell! Yet people keep publishing them and I keep buying them. Here are some words about three anthologies I read this week. ABC WARRIORS (Langley, Mills & Parkhouse)

Anyway, this... 2000AD Prog 1966 Art by Mark Sexton, Richard Elson, Clint Langley, John Burns, Carlos Ezquerra Written by Michael Carroll, Dan Abnett, Pat Mills, Kek-W, John Wagner Coloured by Len O’Grady Lettered by Annie Parkhouse, Ellie De Ville, Simon Bowland Cover by Neil Roberts JUDGE DREDD created by Carlos Ezquerra & John Wagner KINGDOM created by Richard Elson & Dan Abnett ABC WARRIORS created by Kevin O’Neill, Brendan McCarthy, Mick McMahon & Pat Mills THE ORDER created by John Burns & Kek-W STRONTIUM DOG created by Carlos Ezquerra Rebellion, £2.55, weekly (2016) All contents © 2016 Rebellion A/S, unless specifically stated otherwise.

Hey, here’s a thing I just noticed about 2000AD: in the little box of publishing information which tells you who owns what and what they’ll do to you if you nick it (rub distressed foxes in your face), some wag has only gone and put something humorous in it. I don’t have a fetish for legal bumph but concealing larks in that part of a comic is not entirely unknown, so occasionally I check, and this time that nanosecond glance into the small print paid off. I don’t know if it’s a regular thing, but this time out, camouflaged by legalese, someone has used the space to update people on his/her opinion of that TV series with the bikers in. The one with Ron Perlman in. The one Jason Aaron fans probably call “searing” and “incisive” when they aren’t eating raw bacon and crying about their dad not hugging them enough. Whoever penned the micro-crit wasn’t too impressed with the surly biker show but we were already into some pretty entertaining stuff and the comic hadn’t even started. See, it’s always worth having a poke about, you never know what you might find. Unless of course you work with highly confidential information, in which case you’re probably as well just minding your own business. No one wants to end up in a field choked on a porn mag with a suspiciously curt suicide note pinned to their head now, do they? As usual Tharg says some stuff but I didn’t read it. So if he said owt about me mum, let me know and I’ll go round and give ‘im a thick ear. At the bottom of the page we are promised the return of Bill Savage – COME ON, TWINKLETOES! GET SOME! So, yes, looking forward to that. GET IN THERE! Stoked, one might say.

JUDGE DREDD (Sexton, Carroll, O'Grady & Parkhouse)

Oh, this one’s getting shakier as it goes on. Okay, we can go with a secret city-within-a-city of faux Judges, but stressing how hard-line they are (Hershey says they make normal Judges look like liberals – Whoof!) and then having them risk everything to rescue someone’s sister rings more than a little false. Additionally names are important in genre fiction and unfortunately naming the big bad “Badger” just makes me think of Brian May and I don’t really ever want to think about Brian May. Unless he’s being attacked by badgers. On the upside, however, Carroll does a really good job selling the idea that Dredd’s outclassed by his opponents on the cunning front, only to give him a sweet “You’re so sly, but so am I!” move to end the episode on. Sexton’s art remains detailed without becoming cluttered and is a definite asset to Carroll’s slightly listing script.  GOOD!

KINGDOM (Abnett, Elson & De Ville)

There’s not a lot to say about this because it isn’t really a story, Gene (our genetically modified hero) goes and tells everyone the bugs are coming, everyone listens, goes away and prepares and then the bugs come. That’s yer lot. There isn’t even a dude with anchors on his jacket telling Gene that it’s the Fourth of July so it’s probably best for everyone if the beaches stay open. No, they just go “okay”, and knuckle down for the big slobberknocker promised by the closing two page spread of the sea of insects about to break upon the walls of the compound. You can tell that’s a big moment because pages are precious in each and every Prog, so to splurge on a double page spread means you best sit up and listen. It’s not like your American comics with their splash page fetish and its ever diminishing returns (except for writers who get paid by the page). Oh, KINGDOM’s all right, but like I say it doesn’t feel like a story just a sequence of events. Which is fine, Abnett and Elson efficiently purvey low-attention, high-octane entertainment, but I don’t think I’ll ever feel the need to read a collected edition. For six or so pages it’s pleasant enough company. A bit like a short bus ride sat next to someone who neither stinks of ammonia nor yammers into a mobile like a deaf cretin. OKAY!

ABC WARRIORS (Langley, Mills & Parkhouse)

Pat Mills and Clint Langley once again, via the medium of violent robots, point at real world events and make Little Rascals Faces. Remember all those enquiries we had over here, particularly that phone hacking one which saw all those morally scrofulous people sent down and disgraced despite their connections to Rupert “Doomlord” Murdoch and David “The Ham Botherer” Cameron because The System works? No, neither does Pat Mills, but he remembers all those enquiries we had over here, particularly that phone hacking one which saw all those morally scrofulous people look a bit sheepish and embarrassed for a bit before basically taking up where they left off once everyone’s attention wandered back to The f****** Great British Bake-Off (“Terry’s sponge fingers tickle everyone’s fancy!”). Because: power protects power. Admittedly as messages go it’s all a bit rainy-day but Mills & Langley do part the clouds a bit to throw in a robot nurse with steel breasts (because men would, wouldn’t they?) and a psychotic robot yelling about “Big Jobs!” Langleys’ art might, alas, look like someone forgot to set up the printer properly but the fact ABC WARRIORS still bothers to pretend anyone cares about anything goes a long way towards healing that particular visual wound. Also, “Big Jobs!” will always make me laugh; simple pleasures for simple folk. And I am nothing if not simple. VERY GOOD! 

THE ORDER (Burns, Kek-W & De Ville)

Finally, The Order plays to its strengths which, John Burns’ lovely art aside, is the odd bloke tracking our dreary heroes.  The strip would be a lot better if this guy was the protagonist; he’s a bit like the autistic savant type so beloved of current televisual melodramas but less tiresomely winsome. The lesson here is that steam driven motorbikes and people anachronistically babbling in Code are okay, but character wins the day. OKAY!

STRONTIUM DOG (Wagner, Ezquerra & Bowland)

It’s easy to take Strontium Dog for granted given the apparent ease with which Ezquerra and Wagner pump it out. But then you see a panel where an alien seagull is snatching some snap from a dude with his face in his knee and the amiable weirdness of what is going on becomes glaringly apparent. I also like the fact that while Johnny is a presented as a Good Guy (which he mostly is) he’s also well dodgy and has no qualms taking advantage of the fact that the Galanthans can’t understand the concept of deceit. He’s not hurting anyone is he? Also, The Brain of Hoomonos looks like the end of term scrapings from the underside of a thousand ten year olds’ desks palm-rolled into a ball. Light comedy, endearing characters and nimbly imaginative shenanigans all add up to something that’s VERY GOOD!

JUDGE DREDD MEGAZINE #368 Art by Nick Percival, Paul Grist, Steve Yeowell, Ben Willsher Written by Michael Carroll, Paul Grist, Arthur Wyatt Coloured by Nick Percival, Phil Elliott, Chris Blythe Lettered by Annie Parkhouse, Paul Grist, Ellie De Ville, Simon Bowland Text features by Karl Stock, Matthew Badham Rebellion, £5.80, mothly (2016) All contents © 2016 Rebellion A/S, unless otherwise stated. Demon Nic © 2016 Paul Grist JUDGE DREDD created by Carlos Ezquerra & John Wagner DEMON NIC created by Paul Grist GALEN DEMARCO created by Carlos Ezquerra & John Wagner

JUDGE DREDD MEGAZINE began in 1990 and is thus 2000AD’s much younger relative.  It comes out monthly rather than weekly, and has always seemed a bit extraneous to be honest; an impression not softened by the knowledge that it has often struggled to survive. At one dire point half the comic was taken up by PREACHER reprints, which was okay if you hadn’t already read PREACHER (or didn’t think PREACHER was an undisciplined mess). In 2016 those mend and make do days are long gone and it’s all original strips; well, except for quite a sizeable chunk of text stuff. I didn’t read the text stuff because I barely had time to read the comic, but it takes the form of interviews with the artists Mark Sexton and Darren Douglas, and the writer Si Spurrier. Although this is basically cheap content I am tentatively approving of it since I am old school, and I well recall having to actually make the effort to hunt down interviews with comic creators, and also the infrequency of such interviews. So if you have an interest in the work of Sexton (currently drawing Judge Dredd  - see above) or Douglas then there you go. Si Spurrier is more about shilling his new series from Image about werewolf lesbian soldiers or something. I’m sure it’s fine; he’s a decent writer from what I’ve seen. I do remain confused as to why he’s given space in the megazine to basically advertise another company’s product, but I’ll put that down to the British largesse of generosity (yes that famous largesse of ours) rather than the result of some weird quid pro quo. Mind you, if anyone is after some purely prose werewolf entertainment I’ll grant myself this opportunity to shill Toby Barlow’s SHARP TEETH (VERY GOOD!) and RED MOON (GOOD!) by Benjamin Percy. Two can play at that game, son.

JUDGE DREDD (Percival, Carroll & Parkhouse)

Aw, nertz. This is just EH! And me and Michael Carroll were doing so well, we were going to meet each other’s parents and maybe start looking for a small house together! But he’s put the kibosh on all that with this duffer. In this first disappointing instalment of a new Dredd thrill, Judge Dredd and Judge Joyce go to a floating shanty town populated by the crew from Bill Nighy’s ship in that movie based on a theme park ride.  The thing is though, right, because of science no technology can work in this place, The Gyre.  Ah, where to begin. Right, yeah, it’s okay making a point of mentioning that Judge Dredd’s bionic eyes will still work because they are “shielded” since a) I’m impressed anyone remembers he had his eyes poked out during City of The Damned and b) the guy has to see unless we’re in for a kind of ultra-violent fascistic riff on Norman Wisdom. So, ahuh, okay, the tech don’t work except for Dredd’s eyes  (which are “shielded”) but how come, how come right, even though their guns don’t work, and they knew going in that only Dredd’s “shielded” eyes would work, how come they didn’t just take some of those projectile weapons humanity has had such a boner for for, ooh, only a few thousand years? How come that?   There’s no microchips in a Desert Eagle, Judge Dredd! Or a bow and arrow, for that matter. And why, pray tell, isn’t Judge Joyce in proper uniform? He’s an Irish Judge so he should be in green and white with the Guinness harp on his helmet, and be perpetually concerned that they’re all after his luck charms, Bejaysus! (Hey, don’t look at me; Garth Ennis’ frequently regrettable sense of humour’s the culprit there.) Or whatever. But no, he’s depicted as just another Judge here, which seems odd. (I suppose he could have got a transfer I forgot about during my 8 years in the wilderness) Mind you Nick Percival’s art is also pretty odd from soup to nuts. He’s gone for that all painted approach which is usually used by weaker artists to plaster over any artistic deficiencies, a function it never achieved too convincingly. And so it is with Nick Percival. But, I can’t fault his colours; everything’s got an appropriately fish-gutty look, and it all certainly looks like it would stink like death would be a mercy if you were actually there. But everything under the colours is awkward with stilted poses, and such a lack of flow that the water based scenario just becomes cruelly ironic. Like the host of a shit party Percival saves the worst until last, with a full page splash of something apparently so daunting our Judges can only goggle. Unfortunately the page turn reveals Percival has drawn what appears to be a bunch of empty barges kind of milling about lethargically, which no matter how highly strung you are isn’t even interesting, never mind threatening.  It’s like he forgot to draw something very important (like a horde of angry fish men, or a rain of enraged monkfish; I don’t know what he forgot,  after all it’s pretty hard to guess what someone hasn’t drawn). Nothing about this strip is interesting except the fact that Carroll decides to lift the “mind your language” bit from DARK KNIGHT RETURNS, and by interesting I mean baffling. I mean, why? (Because that’s what being baffled sounds like.) It’s not a homage - Dredd isn’t mortally wounded and he isn’t chasing his “Joker” through a Tunnel of Love, he’s just running after some thug and gets a bit short on wind on board a crappy ship. I don’t know why the callback’s there really. This first episode is so poorly thought out, slackly paced and badly visualised it’s more DARK KNIGHT III: THE MASTER RACE than DARK KNIGHT RETURNS. I’m not a fan is what I’m getting at here. Step it up, guys.

DEMON NIC (Grist & Elliott)

DEMON NIC (someone explain that title to Brian Azzarello, his little face is all creased up!) is a creator owned series by Paul Grist, and this episode is the final episode in the current run. Now, I don’t really know how I find myself in the weird position of just chancing upon work by Paul Grist right as it ends because , seriously, I would certainly appreciate it if someone out there could keep me informed of Paul Grist’s doings from now on. Clearly, The Internet isn’t cutting it. It is forever telling me what people I have no interest in are doing (things I have no interest in reading, weirdly enough).  I’m not bothered if he’s doing DOCTOR WHO because Doctor Who is, er, well, look, I’m not fussed, okay. I’m allowed to not be bothered about DOCTOR WHO you know! Everything else Paul Grist gets up to? Would you mind awfully letting me know? Thanks, you are a dear. So, yeah, nothing worse than coming in on a series’ vinegar stroke but this seems to be a spooky actioner a la Hellboy but considerably more dense, amusing and generally playful in that droll way I like. Oh, and the art is spectacular. Usually I get a bit twitchy when the page is black rather than white (Avatar do that a lot) and I’ll be shaking like a shitting dog if the panel borders also go AWOL because you need to be pretty sweet at that whole art deal to be getting away with that. Here Grist just plops his chunkily robust cast onto pure black pages and guides the eye around via the miracle of being very bloody good at what he does. Just brilliant stuff. EXCELLENT!

DEMARCO, P.I. (Yeowell, Carroll & De Ville)

Ah, I’m beginning to see the problem; Michael Carroll is overstretched. Personally I avoid the work of any writer who regularly produces three or more US comics a month. I mean at that frequency we’re just talking mental effluvium at best; it’s not writing at that point it’s just words. Now, I don’t think Michael Carroll’s at that point yet, but then nor do I wish him to reach that point. This strip centres on Galen DeMarco a character introduced in the main Dredd strip who graduated to her own series. As a character I can’t say she she’s been terribly consistently written but then again last time I saw her she had a talking ape as a companion.  Said ape is notable by his absence so he probably died and we had a sad ape death scene which I missed, which is a shame as I am a sucker for sad ape death scenes. But enough about me! Here DeMarco is helping a bunch of Judges with some weird beast-robot things which might be connected to that TRIFECTA storyline? It’s not terribly clear. Anyway something breaks out and the size of the panels taken together with the  fact that the best last words two successive Judges can come up with at the point of death is a bare bones “No!” suggest Michael Carroll wasn’t going for the Nobel with this one. A harsher judge than I would declare it a bit of a page waster, but then I guess they wouldn’t find sufficient pleasure in Steve Yeowell’s lanky B&W stylings to raise it to OKAY!

DREDD (Willsher, Wyatt, Blythe & Bowland)

This is a Judge Dredd strip set in the cinematic universe of Judge Dredd. I don’t understand why that is because the cinematic universe of Judge Dredd is precisely one movie which wasn’t popular enough for a sequel. It was also a normalised version of Judge Dredd. It was okay and all; I enjoyed it. Thankfully it fed that Stallone fiasco into the woodchipper but it didn’t dethrone the original strip in my mind. It was a good movie, probably suffered from being released in such close proximity to the (similar but superior) THE RAID but, yeah, I enjoyed it. This strip seemed okay too, like if you wanted to read Judge Dredd but didn’t want to actually read proper Judge Dredd because, gee, it’s all a bit far-fetched. So in this one all the kit is more functional and the swears are normal and, me, I don’t find that as much fun. There’s a suspicion in my head that it might be repackaged at some point by IDW as it seems oriented to the American market in terms of pacing and storytelling. OKAY!

WUXTRY! Shrink-wrapped with this issue is a free magazine type Graphic Novel. This time out it’s Synnamon: Mecha Rising. I didn’t have time to read it but I do remember reading it back in the day, and for a strip about a leather jump suit lady burglar in the future it was OKAY! Undemanding entertainment slickly delivered. I think the important thing here is that you get a free magazine of reprints, and given 2000AD’s storied history chances are good that this will pay off more often than not.

DARK HORSE PRESENTS #18 Art by Craig Rousseau, Dennis Calero, Julius Gopez, Carla Speed McNeil, Marc Olivent, David Chelsea, Tim Hamilton Written by Rich Woodall, Dennis Calero, Shawn Aldridge, Carla Speed McNeil, Barbara Randall Kesel, David Chelsea, Paul Levitz Coloured by Lawrence Bassa, Jeremy Colwell, Jenn Manley Lee, David Chelsea Lettered by Rich Woodall, John J. Hill, Carla Speed McNeil, Adam O. Pruett, David Chelsea Spot Illustrations by Geoff Darrow Cover by Craig Rousseau & Lawrence Basso Kyyra: Alien Jungle Girl TM © 2016 Craig Rousseau and Rich Woodall The Suit TM©2016 Dennis Calero Last Act TM © 2016 Shawn Alridge Finder TM © 2016 Lightspeed Press Sundown Crossroads TM© 2016 Barbara Kesel Sandy and Mandy TM © 2016 David Chelsea Brooklyn Blood TM © Paul Levitz and Tim Hamilton Shaolin Cowboy and related characters TM © Geoff Darrow Dark Horse Comics, Inc., $4.99 (2016)

KYRRA: ALIEN JUNGLE GIRL (Rousseau, Woodall & Basso)

This is an absolutely gorgeous strip, done in a robustly fun style saturated in E-number colours, seemingly aimed at Young Adults which repositions Tarzan as a young girl and the setting as an alien planet. I’ve already read Tarzan and I’m neither Young nor an Adult so it left me pretty cold. The art by Rousseau is thoroughly charming though. It’s OKAY! but like a lot of comics today it’s pretty thin stuff once past the delightful art. Still, it’s nice that there’s a strip about a Cave Girl that’s not drawn by Frank Cho just so that men can fap over it and show those SJWs what’s what. Progress of a sort there. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

THE SUIT: CONTRACT NEGOTIATION (Calero & Hill)

This is CRAP! This is the second run of this consistently poor series in DHP. I don’t know who asked for it back but when I find out they’ll get the sharp end of my tongue.  Every time this thing appears I just have no idea what I’m looking at on most of its pages, and when I do know what I’m looking at it’s some kind of unholy show involving photos of the two old blokes from TRADING PLACES and Don Draper. Not entirely sure if they are making love or fighting or what. Oh wait, there’s a ‘Nam flashback. Thank Christ for that. C'mon, Was everybody in America over in The ‘Nam or what? Did it not get crowded? I’m not saying ‘Nam flashbacks are overused but, yes, yes I am saying exactly that. Even my son talks about being in “The Shit” and getting back to “The World” and he’s 10 and has never been further than St Ives. And far be it from me to say that Calero is into photo referencing too heavily, but if it was cocaine we’d be calling for an intervention. Oh, mercy, mercy me (the ecology), this is just visual noise; a cacophony of blurry clip art. The passage of every poorly executed page makes Alex Maleev look more and more like Frank Robbins. I don’t want to be a big shitter here, but this should never have seen print. I just. I don’t. What. It’s. No. Just no.

LAST ACT (Gopez, Aldridge & Colwell)

It would be easy to take the Mick out of this overly earnest and somewhat overwrought attempt to graft some meaning onto the superhero trope, but since it was pretty refreshing to find anyone doing anything remotely interesting with the superhero trope I’ll let it off with an OKAY! Although it did not escape my irony detectors that this was basically a strip in which a superhero makes a man called John feel better by misrepresenting reality to him. Which is basically my childhood reading habits: redux.

FINDER: CHASE THE LADY (Speed McNeil & Lee)

Carla Speed McNeil is EXCELLENT! Everything Carla Speed McNeil does is EXCELLENT! Her horse radish soup is EXCELLENT! I know because I go through her bins at night, but respectfully and not in a creepy way. And guess what? Her bins are EXCELLENT! The fact that she enjoyed that movie with Keanu Reeves on a bus so much that she legally adopted its title into her name is EXCELLENT! It’s possible Carla Speed McNeil has done some things which weren’t EXCELLENT! but I’m not privy to them so they don’t exist. FINDER is EXCELLENT! Even though in chunks this small and separated by whole months, my aged brain is struggling to stitch them all together into a coherent narrative, I have every faith such a thing will come to pass, and so the very strength of faith I have in Carla Speed McNeil’s being EXCELLENT! is EXCELLENT! in and of itself. Even Carla Speed McNeil’s colours, a softly vibrant balm for the eyes, are EXCELLENT! And that’s from someone so thuggishly impervious to colour he still doesn’t understand why Sam Neill is so upset on that bus in IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS. And, no, Sam and Carla Speed are not related because Sam has an extra “l” in his surname, but had they been related I think we can all agree that that would have been EXCELLENT! Anyway, this was OKAY! Just joking, it was EXCELLENT! Oh my, what an EXCELLENT! joke.

SUNDOWN CROSSROADS (Olivent, Kesel & Pruett)

The best thing about this strip is that, well, I don’t know about you but sometimes I wake up in the night drenched in sweat worrying about whether we’re going to make it, you know, as a species. After reading SUNSET CROSSROADS I’ll probably sleep a little easier as it introduces the entirely new thought into the equation that maybe it’d be better for all concerned if we don’t. Ugh. This is some heroically twee balderdash right here.  I can make up the cover blurbs for the collection of this thing now: “With SUNSET CROSSROADS Barbara Kesel has vajazzled the soul of a generation!” - Kelly Sue DeConnick! “Something about dreams. Something about stories. SUNSET CROSSROADS is something something something.” - Neil Gaiman! The strip itself privileges us with a peek into the life of some kind of self-satisfied meringue brain wafting about her apartment, talking smug bunkum via a live podcast to people whose minds can only be little miracles of inanity. Now, my viscerally negative reaction could be due to envy as this conceited poltroon obviously makes a lot of money talking star-spangled claptrap and peddling her tat online since her apartment is bigger than my house. She doesn’t leave it either, that apartment; for the duration of the strip we are trapped inside with her and her incessant prattle; it’s like some terrible punishment. She only pauses when she spies outside what looks hilariously like Sean Philips on the street below. Sean’s minding his own business (probably getting some fresh air to clear his head before returning to the latest listless yet craft-fat script from Ed Brubaker) but our ethereal dream queen drags poor Sean into her nauseatingly precious monologue and he returns the favour by dragging her into her PC. Spooky stuff! I can tell the strip failed because my first thought as she disappeared into her monitor was “good”, not “ooh, I wonder what happens next.” I can probably live the rest of my life quite contentedly without knowing what happened to that frivolous void of a creature. Ugh. The best thing about the strip is the art, but even then in one panel the self-obsessed buffoon’s head is about four sizes too large for the body it bobbles above; which I can only hope is the artist having a cheeky laugh at the expense of the swell headed heroine. Basically, and I’m not sure if I made this clear, I’m probably not the audience for this one as I couldn’t give less of a shit about Steve Jobs and Subway makes me angry because if I wanted to make my own ****ing sandwich I’d have made my own ****ing sandwich! Basically, I am a bit of a throwback; you’d have to have your head further up the arse of the 21st Century than I’ll ever manage in order to appreciate this. That does, however, mean it is possible someone might not think SUNDOWN CROSSROADS is AWFUL!

SANDY AND MANDY (Chelsea)

If David Chelsea wants to put his elegantly precise Winsor McCay-isms to use in immaculately illustrating a sedately paced cascade of jokes which veer giddily from the hilarious to eye-rolling howlers then who shall say him nay? Not I, sir. Not I. VERY GOOD!

BROOKLYN BLOOD (Hamilton, Levitz & Pruett)

Brawklynn! BRAWK-LYNNN! People are super-proud of living in Brooklyn aren’t they? Well, people who live in BREWK-LARYNN! Seem to be. Doesn’t Jimmy “Spats” Palmiotti cahm frawm BRAHK-LAHYNNNA? I don’t know, but he should. I do know that BROKE-LIE-IN! is supposed to be one of those places that has mystique (not the naked blue lady) but all I can think of is the smell of fried onions, small boys in old men's caps selling papers on street corners and pigeon coops on rooftops. Is that BRAWK-LYNNN!? (I don’t care really. I’m just humouring them.) So, yes, BREWK-LYNNE is special, and so are you if you live there, but moving on…a lot of people criticise the American police and, you know, sometimes they have a point but, personally, I think the brunt of the blame should be borne by their Human Resources Department. I realise it’s not the sexiest of Police Departments but, still, there’s no excuse for such laxity. Who keeps signing off as fit for duty all these blackout drunks, PTSD sufferers, psychics, aliens and blind tap dancers who festoon their fictional ranks?  Yes, here we are again in the aisle marked “Damaged White Men With Guns” (next to the corn, above the beets), what’s not to love! This is the second (maybe; I don’t care enough to look) episode of this exciting new series which is exactly like every other cop series about a traumatised cop, but with “‘Nam” scratched out and “Iraqistaniraq” written above it. Despite there having been two murders most of the page time has been spent watching the mentally disordered white guy roll around in the street being distressed by phantom firefights. Which is okay, because murder’s pretty shabby but the real crime is how war fucks up white guys. Mind you, I am quite impressed with how clean American streets are; if you roll around in the ones near me you’d end up covered in dog poop and cig butts. Possibly the odd unlucky hedgehog. But then I don’t live in BRAWK-LYNNN! This strip is some bizarre stuff; the damaged white guy basically can’t walk down the street without hallucinating he’s in Call of Duty (but 4Realz!!) and his partner just dusts him off and puts him to bed. Go to sleep, tiny nutcase. The main draw here is the art by Tim Hamilton which has that generosity of ink I like and there’s also something fun happening with the colours; they get all luridly rhubarb purple and custardy yellow when there’s a catastrophic flashback, but I also like the subtlety in the bed scene where he dials it right back.  Maybe this strip is some kind of post-modern piss take of clichéd cop crap and every episode they’ll discover a body and the white cop will roll about and his not-white (obviously) partner will be all sensible, and it’ll just keep going like that with the bodies turning up in ever more ludicrous places and his mania taking on more and more extreme forms. By episode six they’ll be attending a murder in a clown school and he’ll be throwing poop at the local Shriners. In reality it’s probably just going to be more EH! but in BREWK-LYNN!

What am I giving up for Lent? I don’t know but it won’t be – COMICS!!!

“We’re JUDGES – We Can Do Any Damn Thing We WANT.” COMICS! Sometimes It’s A Clear Cut Case of Rather You Than Me, Dear.

I only had time to write about one comic this time. Sorry. But do please feel free to all club together and make me independently wealthy. I’ll probably manage, oooh, three comics then. Gee, thanks for thinking about it, anyway. This time I continue to big up The Home Side by looking at the very latest issue of 2000AD. It might only be one comic, but it’s a fresh ‘un! Hmm, still breathing so it is! JUDGE DREDD by Sexton, Carroll, O’Grady & Parkhouse

Anyway, this. 2000AD Prog 1965 Art by Mark Sexton, Richard Elson, Clint Langley, John Burns, Carlos Ezquerra Written by Michael Carroll, Dan Abnett, Pat Mills, Kek-W, John Wagner Coloured by Len O’Grady Lettered by Annie Parkhouse, Ellie De Ville, Simon Bowland Cover by Cliff Robinson(a) & Dylan Teague(c) JUDGE DREDD created by Carlos Ezquerra & John Wagner KINGDOM created by Richard Elson & Dan Abnett ABC WARRIORS created by Kevin O’Neill, Brendan McCarthy, Mick McMahon & Pat Mills THE ORDER created by John Burns & Kek-W STRONTIUM DOG created by Carlos Ezquerra Rebellion, £2.55, weekly (2016)

You know, it has belatedly occurred to me that I have, characteristically, set off on this whole 2000AD thing more than a little half-cocked. So here are the answers to a few questions I should have probably addressed at the very start of this pointless exercise:

1) It’s all a bit creaky isn’t it? Why don’t they update it? You know, give some characters cancer, or a womb, or both even? Make one into a womb that fires cancers, even? Maybe give them those ridiculous beards Ver Kids are sporting these days? Why? Oh, why? Oh, why, oh why, oh why?

I admit I too was a little surprised and not a little dismayed on my return to the Galaxy’s Greatest Comic, after a hiatus of some 8 years, only to find that just one series was unfamiliar to me (THE ORDER). Truth to tell, it did occur to me to start wailing, gnashing my teeth and rending my garments over the lack of original concepts on show. However, I just couldn’t be bothered. (I suffer from idleitis, a recognised medical condition named by my Mum.) This, for once, was to my advantage. Because in the meantime it occurred to me that at present Marvel©™®’s biggest selling comics (to Retailers) are based on the popular children’s entertainment STAR WARS. Which, despite it currently thrilling the easily thrilled with a fresh instalment in cinemas right now, started off in 1977 as did 2000AD. More than likely 2000AD’s inception was hastened, if not occasioned, by the blockbuster success of the popular children’s entertainment STAR WARS. Both of them were pretty derivative as well. STAR WARS, the popular children’s entertainment, being basically Kurosawa’s HIDDEN FORTRESS (1958) with the dogfight from 633 SQUADRON (1964) bolted on the back. But in space! And with some New Age bum chunder about The Force! (Peter Cushing’s performance is ****ing immaculate, however.) While 2000AD in its rather more vulgar turn smashed and grabbed with abandon from hither and yon to great success, mainly by adding lashings of violence with a topping of topicality. In 2016 the only Force the popular children’s entertainment STAR WARS cares about is that of the market, so while 2000AD might still be trotting out Judge Dredd, ABC Warriors and Strontium Dog it wins, because they are good comics and have progressed within themselves. Basically, until 2000AD gives up the creative ghost completely and just becomes a billion dollar advert for toys and ancillary revenue streams across multiple platforms (UGH!) we’ll let it off. As for DC©™®, their biggest sales (to Retailers) are currently based on Batman, who was created in circa 1938, so they can’t point any fingers either. Sticking a hipster beard on Shaggy isn’t a paradigm shifter, you know, DC©™®. And, yeah, what is it with those beards. The beards on The Kids these days. I mean, seriously, kids. It’s like I woke up one day and I was in Philip K Dick’s THE MAN IN THE HIGH CASTLE; every third youth looks like a U-Boat commander on shore leave. What’s that all about? Sort yourselves out.

Picture thieved from Getty Images ("It's Not an Image, Unless it's a Getty!")

2) John, you complacent oaf, you failed to tell us why it is called 200AD in the Year of Our Lord 2016AD. So do that! NOW!

Okay, sure, it might seem odd that the comic is still called 2000AD since it is now 2016AD; so what was once, in 1977, unthinkably futuristic is now quaintly dated. I can assure you though that as the millennium loomed much discussion was had regarding the comic’s name in the letter pages, and several alternatives were indeed considered (2001AD, 2050AD, 3000AD, “Geoffrey”, probably even 2525AD (you know, if man is still alive, if woman can survive)) . In the end they stuck with what everyone knew. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”, we say over here, which is why Britain is a world leader in innovation. Me, I would have gone with 3000AD myself, plenty of future-proofing (ugh!), see, but there you go. No one listens to me. Which is why we don’t live in a Socialist Utopia, and 2000AD is still called 2000AD in 2016AD. In their defence part of the fun of watching something like ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK is admittedly that bit where it comes up with “1997 – NOW!” at the beginning. Also, whenever I visit my parents to remind them why they wish they had remained childless, I always pass this hairdressers called HAIR2000. That’s 16 years out of date as well, and nevertheless there are still women in there getting their rinses blued. (I have always wanted to ring people up for a night out and say “Let’s all meet up at HAIR2000.” But I don’t have any friends; largely because of jokes like that. And the fact I’m a big prick.) I guess the lesson here is: quality of content trumps a name, or 2000AD is such a strong brand that…ugh, sorry I passed out there. Anyway, amusing as I find HAIR2000, it’s not my favourite shop name; I once spotted a dress shop called SOPHIE’S CHOICE. Nice.

3) Is 2000AD really edited by a green alien from Betelgeuse called Tharg The Mighty?

Yes.

Picture ganked from Down The Tubes

I hope that answers your questions anyway because if it didn’t, tough titty.

Meanwhile…back at the comics.

JUDGE DREDD by Sexton, Carroll, O’Grady & Parkhouse

The pace of JUDGE DREDD (Sexton/Carroll/O’Grady/Parkhouse) continues to resemble my feet after I accompanied my son (“Gil”) and his Cub pack on a walk around Carsington Reservoir – blistering. Following The Set-Up (Ep. 1) and The Big Fight (Ep. 2) episode 3 of Ghosts is the investigative bit; the procedural part if you will. Because, no, contrary to popular misconception Judge Dredd doesn’t typically just ride up and shoot the perp du jour in the face and give with a quip; there’s more to it than that (unless it’s that regrettably dunderheaded Dredd run where Mark Millar and Grant Morrison were in charge). Here we get the bit where Dredd acts like a **** for the Greater Good. Since the Western mind set seems to currently be a trifle crypto-fascist, I should probably point out that we aren’t really supposed to be cheering Dredd on as he psychologically tortures an innocent woman to draw out the wrong ‘uns. Sure, it looks like it’s worked but at what cost; every action has an equal and opposite reaction, as Ray Palmer reminds us in that Godawful DKIII:TMR comic. And I think that’s true morally too. I do. I haven’t got any proof mind, but that’s rarely prevented anyone from voicing their opinion. Anyway, Nietzsche’s just popped in to remind us that “He who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself”. Thanks, Fred. Nice ‘tache! Stay away from piano stools, now! Anyway, in this issue Joe gets a bit scalier and Mark Sexton continues to impress with his balance of detail and clarity; although I think he could make his Dredd a bit more iconic, you know, if I had to whine about something. VERY GOOD!

KINGDOM by Elson, Abnett & De Ville

Now, I’m not saying the events so far in KINGDOM (Elson/Abnett/De Ville) test my patience exactly, but it is a bit like if after The Big Badness your nan wanted a biscuit with her Sour Grass Tea and you went out into The Big Dusty and after a hundred yards came upon a fully operational Fox’s biscuit factory. Massively convenient might be the term. Because it turns out that Gene and his pack have found exactly what they need to outrun the swarm and get back to warn the folks at home. Not only that but only Gene can operate it. Yes, I’d say massively convenient might do it. Which is fine because KINGDOM is just breezy action based larks, so it can get away with massively convenient. Not least because Elson’s art has a detail and a crispness which is never less than impressive. OKAY!

ABC WARRIORS by Langley, Mills & Parkhouse

In the letters page there’s a bit of a kerfuffle over Pat Mills, as no less than two of the three letters therein find exception with the fact that Mills’ stories always basically end up being the same, no matter what colourful character fronts them. i.e. an uncouth Rip The System! riff with some clumsy exposition, endearingly silly wordplay and the odd off-colour joke chucked in. As a criticism it’s perfectly valid, and I can certainly see their point. However, it misses the larger point that the burden isn’t on Pat Mills to change the stories he tells, but for society to sort itself out so that Pat Mills no longer has to tell these stories. Come on, Society, pull your finger out and let’s see what Pat Mills has to say when we’ve all stopped ****ing each other over. Until such time I for one am more than happy for Pat Mills’ comics to remain perpetually chanting the lyrics to Soft Cells’ Best Way to Kill. Oh yeah, babies of the beard, raise your voices high, “…like a badge on a blazer at school – TEAR IT OFF!! RIP IT UP!! Stick your two fingers up at the world!” If you want comics about ****ing nothing you’re spoilt for choice, so in the meantime, personally speaking, I’m perfectly happy for Pat Mills and the Warriors to continue to age disgracefully. This week ABC WARRIORS (Langley/Mills/Parkhouse) continues to explore the (REALLY unlikely) idea that The System might exploit the fear of terrorism in order to pursue its own agenda of repression and profit. (Which is just CRAZY TALK!) As fantastical a notion as that is (I mean, AS IF!) it makes for very good fiction. On art Clint Langley manages to make a bunch of robots and wreckage extraordinarily atmospheric and expressive, despite the fact that that must be very difficult to do. And I greatly enjoyed his off-kilter choice to sparsely spot colour the odd bit here and there with a queasy green and a rosy red. VERY GOOD!

THE ORDER by Burns, Kek-W & De Ville

Although THE ORDER (Burns/Kek-W/De Ville) is set in the 1580s the odd burst of computer speak blaring out of the mystified face of our fiery headed lead (“10 print john rules ok [RETURN] 20 goto 10 [RETURN]”, he doesn’t say) suggests a futuristic aspect to the strip yet to be clearly revealed. Because I have a mind so finely honed that it would shame a VIC20, I think I have already sussed the twist. The clue is in its dung studded, infrastructure light setting in which squats a scrofulous population of downtrodden paupers, through which privileged fops can cut a swathe, thanks to the heavily armed police acting as their personal militia. Clearly, we are in fact in the future and the year 1580AD is actually 1580 After Dave, because when Tories dream it is this they dream of. And every day that dream comes closer. Or maybe my mind was tip-toeing through its own tulips because the whole thing was a bit generic for me, and the only solid pleasure was seeing what the estimable John Burns did with colour; just a really arresting series of loose washes which sometimes don’t even stay within the lines, and are often quite minimal in their range of shade within a single panel. Yet, always, always he takes pains to mark out the protagonist’s barnet with a blob of red. John Burns is great. Burns, baby, Burns! OKAY!

STRONTIUM DOG by Ezquerra, Wagner & Bowland

Okay, I was initially underwhelmed by the ease with which Johnny Alpha and his mutant chums pulled off their heist in STRONTIUM DOG (Ezquerra/Wagner/Bowland). But on reflection since it did depend on the ability to stretch one’s arm like reed Richards’ can only dream it was probably a lot more difficult than it looked. Plus, this is the lulling section of every heist movie. The bit where things get a bit tense but the objective is achieved. PHEW! we all exclaim in relief as Danny Ocean hides inside the guard’s anus with the crown jewels, and is walked safely out of the building to a sloppy but enriching exit. Things start getting interesting after this bit, where in all likelihood we'll get the Strontium Dog equivalent of Andy Garcia jumping out of the guard’s sock and threatening to flush the loo unless the newly excreted Danny Ocean gives him his career back. Or something. I forget; OCEAN'S ELEVEN was okay but I prefer that 2001 David Mamet heist movie. The one with Gene Hackman, Delroy Lindo and Danny DeVito doing a heist. It's a good heist movie. I wish I could remember what it was called, that heist movie. Anyway, STRONTIUM DOG this week is all smooth reading from both script and art, as the old pros Wagner & Ezquerra go back for one more job. Most likely though all the goodwill I felt was down to Kid Knee reappearing, and his being just as endearingly fractious as ever. GOOD!

NEXT TIME: I’ll hopefully look at more than one comic because that’ll mean I can use the plural which is – COMICS!!!

“Like Turds in Rain...” COMICS! Sometimes I Act My Shoe-Size Not My Age.

Abhay's below this, so don't dilly dally, and certainly don't shilly shally, go there! Do it NOW! Me, I'm still trying to get regular, so here's another go at that. There's a lot of toilet humour in this one. It's the only industry we have left. DKIII by Risso, Azzarello, Mulvihill & Robins

Anyway, this... SIR: The critics? No, I have nothing but compassion for them. How can I hate the crippled, the mentally deficient, and the dead? The Dresser by Ronald Harwood

2000AD Prog 1964 Art by Mark Sexton, Richard Elson, John Burns, Clint Langley, Carlos Ezquerra Written by Michael Carroll, Dan Abnett, Kek-W, Pat Mills, John Wagner Colours by Len O'Grady,the artists Lettered by Annie Parkhouse, Ellie De Ville, Simon Bowland JUDGE DREDD created by Carlos Ezquerra & John Wagner KINGDOM created by Richard Elson & Dan Abnett THE ORDER created by John Burns & Kek-W ABC WARRIORS created by Kevin O'Neill, Brendan McCarthy, Mick Mcmahon & Pat Mills STRONTIUM DOG created by Carlos Ezquerra & John Wagner Rebellion, £2.55 weekly (2016)

Borag Thungg! Another week, another issue of the Galaxy's Greatest Comic! This week in Judge Dredd (Sexton/Carroll/O'Grady/Parkhouse) the decision is taken to devote the bulk of the seven page installment to a quite bloody and brutal action sequence which leaves Dredd on the edge of death. Also, some plot developments. It's a salutary reminder that when a Judge goes wrong that's way more dangerous than just your average perp. As seven pages go it's lean, mean, gory and crunchily executed stuff. Two parts in and “Ghosts” is shaping up VERY GOOD!

DREDD by Sexton, Carroll, O'Grady & Parkhouse

KINGDOM (Elson/Abnett/DeVille) takes time out from hurtling about hither and yon for a quick plot stop. Some fruity swears and mysterious discoveries later the strip is tanked back up with motivation enough to hurtle off, in the final panel of the fifth page, into what promises to be a more typically action orientated episode. Elson art possesses a crisp precision and Abnett's script remains fundamentally derivative but still just original enough to provide undemanding fun. OKAY!

KINGDOM by Elson, Abnett & DeVille

Alas, the major question raised by THE ORDER (Burns/Kek-W/DeVille) so far is what exactly was achieved by the steampunk motorbike that could not have been achieved by a horse. So, obviously this one's not exactly pulling me in. It's not terrible though. And that's despite groan inducing clichés such as the masked rescuer being revealed to be a stunningly beautiful lady (and unless Boots The Chemist was operating in 1560 then her make up skills are a tad anachronistic). As if in balance there's a nifty bit of dialogue on the fifth and final page (the “...empircal evidence..” bit). That alone is enough to leave me optimistic that the ideas underpinning the series will eventually be revealed to have been worth the more predictable stretches. OKAY!

THE ORDER by Burns, Kek-W & De Ville

Last week, while struggling to make sense in a short space of time, I , somewhat tenuously I thought, mentioned Blade Runner in connection with the mek-nificent ones. This week Serendipity, obviously in a playful mood, shocks my socks of by having Pat Mills rejig the Roy Batty death speech everyone loves from that selfsame movie, but puts it in the foul mouth of an ailing Ro-Jaws and, thus, appropriately enough, fixes up the references within it to those of a somewhat more scatological stripe. Reader, I larfed. One of the many things I respond to in Pat Mills' writing is his unselfconscious embrace of puerility. It's particularly prevalent in ABC Warriors and is always welcome. In a strip where the authorities (who have been searching for Hammerstein) have just cottoned on to the fact that that robot that looks just like Hammerstein but with a different head is in fact Hammerstein but with a different head, having a giant robot referencing David Lynch films and also yelling about “Big Jobs!” is probably more of a help than a hindrance. (Note for Children of The Now: “Big jobs” was used to refer to babies going “Number Two” back in the day, back in the UK.) Clint Langley's art looks like it's all taking place inside an active bowel and so is perfectly appropriate. VERY GOOD!

ABC WARRIORS by Langley, Mills & Parkhouse

You know the bit in every heist movie where the heist gets underway and it's a matter of watching the protagonists evade detection before things go wrong? This week's STRONTIUM DOG (Ezquerra/Wagner/Bowland) is that bit of the heist movie. The fun here is that instead of using specialist equipment provided by a character actor in a minor but showy role, they use their mutant abilities (stretchy arms, super strong fingers, x-ray vision, a Keegan perm, a bumpy heid, etc) and there is still time for a good joke about where one would hide the scared brain of a bizarre cult's founder. Ezquerra's art remains so flawlessy devoted to storytelling it never even hints at the effort and experience underpinning every panel. VERY GOOD!

STRONTIUM DOG by Ezquerra, Wagner & Bowland

DKIII THE MASTER RACE BOOK TWO Based on THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS by Frank Miller, Lynn Varley & Klaus Janson (although once again DC only identify Frank Miller as the author. Tsk. Tsk.) Art by Andy Kubert, Klaus Janson, Eduardo Risso Story by Frank Miller & Brian Azzarello Lettered by Clem Robins Colours by Brad Anderson, Trish Mulvihill Cover by Andy Kubert & Brad Anderson Variant Covers by Frank Miller & Alex Sinclair, Klaus Janson & Brad Anderson, Jim Lee, Scott Williams & Alex Sinclair, Cliff Chiang, Eduardo Risso & Trish Mulvihill Retailer variant cover by Sean Gordon Murphy & Matt Hollingsworth, Greg Capullo & FCO Plascenia Convention Variant Cover by Jill Thompson DC Comics, $5.99 Standard/$12.99 Deluxe (2016) Batman cteated by Bill Finger & Bob Kane

If nothing else this series has proved to be a thought provoking one. The thought it has provoked in my tiny mind is exactly how bad does the writing in a comic have to get before everyone stops just waving it through? Because the writing in this comic is astoundingly poor. I've not read any other reviews because I don't accidentally want to steal anyone else's thoughts, but unless those reviews point out first and foremost how utterly craptabulous the writing is I'd hesitate to trust anything they have to say. Because, ugh. I mean, ew. Someone wrote this with a big brown crayon, allright. It's no wonder they're so keen to drag Frank Miller's name into it. It's basically the same as blaming the old dog in the corner when you fart in company. “Man, this comic is carved out of stupid!”,“Dang, must be Frank Miller's fault!”Classy behaviour, guys. You know (of course you don't, what a stupid way to start a sentence) I was in the cinema recently, and during the performance someone broke wind next to me. Now let me tell you that was one blue ribbon winner of a fart and no mistake. It was like someone had just put a Sunday dinner under my nose. You ever smell a fart that smelt like you could chew it? This was that fart. It was a heroic achievement, to which I doff my cap; respect is due to someone who can create something like that. However, before we get carried away let's remember it was still just a fart. DKIII:TMR is the comic book equivalent of that fart. It's stink is mighty. Impressively so. But it's still just a big stink.

DKIII by Kubert, Janson, Azzarello, Anderson & Robins

Oh, that's a bit much, John! Really? Have you read this? Tell me, what is not cretinous about Batman's plan to make the world think he is dead? Let me just recap it for you: After an absence of three years during which the world has probably started to stop thinking about him, Batman rides his Bat-cycle into the middle of Gotham. He then proceeds to engage in a pitched battle with the Gotham PD. At some point the media notice and Batman's return is plastered across every TV screen in the world. Batman suddenly has an asthma attack and collapses. At this point it is revealed that Batman is in fact a young girl dressed as Batman, and she collapsed due to grief and exhaustion rather than a respiratory condition marked by attacks of spasm in the bronchi of the lungs. She is taken into custody and says nothing for twenty seven days, in which time the media speculate about Batman's whereabouts to its heart's content. On the twenty seventh day the girl tells a thoroughly unconvincing story about how Batman died (in bed; maudlin, bed-bound and old). Usually the police would require a body, they are funny like that. But they just take this girl's word, as you would. With Batman now ineradicably on everyone's mind it's a masterstroke of idiocy to have the young girl sprung by the sudden appearance of a massive Bat-Tank, which trashes the part of the GPD which isn't already in traction before disappearing in a thoroughly ill-defined way. Obviously, having now convinced the world of his death Batman is now free to act. Given his fantastic plan to make the world forget him, his first act will probably be to soil himself and dance the Macarena. Christ. Batman the tactical genius there.

DKIII by Kubert, Janson, Azzarello, Anderson & Robins

That ridiculous horseshit takes up most of the first and second issues but there's still room in this one for Ray Palmer to say something science-y (but not too demandingly science-y) and act like a Batman level moron. Because at no point - AT NO POINT - does it occur to Ray Palmer that introducing to the planet Earth a city full of people who can fly, fire fire out of their eyes and probably fart mustard gas to boot, might be less than stellar thinking. Jean left you because you were an idiot, Ray. There might be pages of this comic which don't insult the reader's intelligence but I couldn't recall any. What about the art? People don't talk about the art! Why should I say anything about the art when the writing is this bad. The writing here is ruinously bad. But okay, Kubert as ever manages that trick of being both fussy and lazy, while in the mini-comic Eduardo Risso's deep contrast talents are wasted on something so superfluous it's barely there. But really, what matters the art when a character describes herself as Batman's “prick”? “I was his PRICK.”, she says. Nice dire-logue, Brian Azzarello! “I was his PRICK.”, she says. She says was an old man's prick. What does that even mean, Brian Azzarello? That she got him up at odd times during the night for a piss? Boom, and indeed, BOOM!

DKIII by Risso, Azzarello, Mulvihill & Robins

See, the real problem is that this utter drivel is soaking up attention better used on other comics. There are too many comics today, and the good ones risk getting lost in the crush. Instead of writing about Brian Azzarello and Andy Kubert's futile attempt to polish the stale turds of greater talents I should have been writing about, say, MONSTRESS, STRAY BULLETS, ISLAND, EGOs, RAGNAROK and SPONGEBOB COMICS. All of which are probably struggling to survive while this bloated, brainless and thoroughly unnecessary thing flails about attracting everyone's attention. I mean, I don't need to write about this comic do I? Everyone else will already have alerted you to how fundamentally poor it is. (Won't they?) Look, my complaint isn't even that DKIII:TMR isn't a Frank Miller comic; it's that DKIII:TMR is CRAP!

DKIII by Kubert, Janson, Azzarello, Anderson & Robins

NEXT TIME: On September 28th 2015 at 10:44 am “Peter” asked if I would be looking at the US attempts to “do” Judge Dredd. In 2016, he will have his answer! (SPOILER: It's “yes” and it's next up, thanks to my library.) I may be tardy but I will eventually get around to your - COMICS!!!

Wait, What? Ep. 106: You Are Number Six.

At Graeme's Behest: the cover to Colder #1

Yeah, that's a pleasant way to get your Tuesday rolling, eh?

Anyhoo, very truncated version of things this time around, I'm afraid but after the jump...show notes!

So yeah, I've got a trip that I'll be on for a few days which means I'm trying to write this AND pack AND panic AND forget the one thing I'm not going to remember until I've been the road for two hours.  But am I letting any of that get in the way of bringing you this podcast?  I say thee: nay!  (Though, verily, I shall admit to assing it by half...)

Oh, and I got a big upgrade on the recording end of things but unfortunately it may be why there's a bit of crackle in the opening of the podcast.  Sorry about that--I hope to have that figured out by next episode...

0:00-41:19:  Greetings!  The small talk is eensy-sized this time around as we get right into the topic of the news that day--the pending cancellation of Hellblazer at Vertigo and the launch of Constantine over at the DCU. Graeme brings the facts; Jeff brings the wild conspiratorial speculation.  (Also, Jeff was a little behind the curve this week, so feel free to create a quick & easy drinking game where you take a drink every time Graeme informs him of something of which he was unaware. You will be feeling no pain in absolutely no time at all.)  Is Vertigo effed in the ay?  Maybe. Is that as bad for the marketplace as it would've been ten years ago?  Maybe not.  Somewhat tangentially related: whatever happened to the NuMarvel generation of creators? Why does Aardvark Books in San Francisco have the used graphic novel section that it does?  And other questions lead us into…

41:19-41:54: Intermission 1!

41:54-1:08:21:  For an early birthday present, Jeff picked up a digital subscription to 2000AD and Graeme has been keeping up with it lately, and so much discussion ensues over issues #1806-1808. Spoilers ahoy (especially for #1808). Want to hear us talk Judge Dredd by Al Ewing and Henry Flint; ABC Warriors by Pat Mills and Clint Langley; Brass Sun by Ian Edgington and I.N.J. Culbard; Low Life by Rob Williams and D'Israeli; and The Simping Detective by Simon Spurrier and Simon Coleby?  Then this is the thirty-seven minutes for you! ( Oh, and if you've never seen the original Prisoner--spoilers! at 1:00:36-1:01:36.)

1:08:21-1:11:19: Then, at the very tail end of things, Graeme discusses Action Comics #14 by Grant Morrison, Sholly Fisch, Rags Morales and Chris Sprouse.  Because he just couldn't bring himself to wait until after...

1:11:19-1:11:42:  Intermission 2!

1:11:42-end:  Since Graeme has been to the store (and Jeff hasn't), he leads with reviews, in alphabetical order, no less, of Colder by Paul Tobin and Juan Ferreyra; Earth 2 #6 by James Robinson and Nicola Scott; Iron Man #1 by Kieron Gillen and Greg Land (and also AvX: Consequences); Stumptown v2 #3 by Greg Rucka and Matthew Southworth; Willow Wonderland #1 by Jeff Parker and Brian Ching; and, outside of alphabetical order (and our natural laws of time, space, and arguably taste), the X-Men: Iceman hardcover collecting the miniseries by J.M. DeMatteis and Alan Kupperberg from 1984.

Jeff, by contrast, is utterly flummoxed by the digital comic Batman: Li'l Gotham by Dustin Nguyen and Derek Fridolfs and happily shares the flum with everyone.  And while we're on the flum tip, Jeff also explains his preparations for reading Marvel comics in a legit non-piratey way as well as his first current Marvel comic in a long time: Captain America #19 by Ed Brubaker and Steve Epting.  Also, the book that really knocked him off his chair: the third issue of Ethan Rilly's Pope Hats:  a stunningly strong piece of cartooning and storytelling that is completely worth your time and cash.

[Stealth bonus #1: we also talk about Sean Howe's amazing Marvel Comics: The Untold Story a bit more toward the end.]

[Stealth bonus #2:  Rather than edit out that bit about my Skype pic, here it is in it's teeny-tiny glory:]

[Stealth bonus #3:  You'll know it when you hear it…]

Again, apologies the show notes are so sparse this time around.  To make up for it, I put this up into the ether a little early so you may have already seen the podcast already on iTunes.  But if not,  you are certainly encouraged to have at it below:

Wait, What? Ep. 106: You Are Number Six.

As always, we hope you enjoy and thank you for listening!