The phone rang and rang again. I thought about letting it ring some more, but decided in the end to answer it. “Mmmm-yello?”

It was Hibbs. “Hey. What the hell is this?”

“It’s a telephone, Hibbs. You can use it to talk to people!”

“No, I mean this. This, this, whatever-the-hell you just sent me.”

I scratched my other ear. “What? You mean the latest Fanboy Rampage?”

“Oh, is that what this is? Because it either reads like the rantings of a lunatic, or an open invitation for a libel suit.”

Suddenly Stephen Hawking’s voice came over the lines: “You-have-screwed-the-pooch-this-time.”

“Ben,” Hibbs said. “Get off the phone. Daddy’s talking.”

“Your-job-will-be-mine.”

Hibbs’ voice became severe. “Ben…” and then the phone clicked. “Dude, I thought you told me this Fanboy Rampage was going to be an account of our recent Geoff Johns signing. And maybe my memory is getting a little shaky, but I don’t remember picking up Geoff Johns at the airport and him insisting we do a drive-by. I don’t remember us doing drive-through at a ‘Clucking Bell’ afterward, either. Nor, as you recount in your Fanboy, did he arrive at Comix Experience and begin digging in the backyard area for his buried jar of ‘Wet.’”

“Wow,” I said. “ You know, that makes absolutely no sense.”

“Gee,” Hibbs said. “Ya think?”

“I mean it’s your store. Wouldn’t you have been digging in the backyard for the jar of ‘Wet?’”

“Well, Jeff, considering (a) I don’t quite know what ‘Wet’ is although it sounds like some nasty-ass drug; (b) that doesn’t address the drive-bys, your account of you and Geoff Johns breaking into a military base to forklift munitions into the back of a van, or the anecdote about the exploding RC airplanes and the minigun on the roof; and (c) I only use the store backyard for business-related buryings, and save my personal buryings for my house’s backyard.”

“Ohhh. So you bury your drugs in your backyard…”

“And I bury the Valiant comics in the store’s backyard. Exactly.”

“Okay,” I said. “I see how that works now.”

Stephen Hawking’s voice came back on the phone. “Father-says-I-get-all-your-comic-books-too.”

“Ben, I’m not finished talking with Jeff yet.”

“He-says-I-can-color-in-your-copy-of-Essential-Luke-Cage-when-it-arrives.”

 “Ben. I told you. You can taunt Jeff when Daddy’s through speaking with him.”

“I-am-going-to-color-Luke-Cage-magenta.”

“Ben. I’ll take away your access to the sixth dimension if you keep this up.”

There was a pause, and then Stephen Hawking’s voice said, “Magenta-is-one-of-the-four-process-colors.”

“Ben…”

“It-is-not-taunting. It-is-educational.”

“Hold on…” Hibbs said and put down the phone. After a moment, I heard a sound like a powerful dynamo powering down and then a baby started to cry. Hibbs got on the phone. “Okay. Where was I? Oh, right. Do you really remember something like: ‘Someone asked Johns if he planned on making Guy Gardner a Green Lantern again, and he only smiled enigmatically and said, ‘Keep reading.’ Suddenly, he stood up and started shooting semi-automatic weapons at people in purple sweatpants near the front of the shop. ‘Yeah!’ Geoff Johns yelled. ‘Grove Street for life, bitches!’”

“Hmmm. I think so… But it does sound a little crazy.”

“Don’t forget libelous, Jeff. Cuz it also sounds mighty libelous. “‘Gimme that paper,’ Geoff Jons said as he ran around the four dead bodies, picking up stacks of money.’” Or how about this: “Johns signed a copy of Green Lantern: Rebirth, then looked pensive for a minute. ‘Music may not be the food of love,’ he said. ‘But it certainly is the food of anonymous sex and hotel swimming pools.’”

“Well, crap,” I said . “I know someone said that recently, But if it wasn’t Geoff Johns, who was it?”

“The tiny crazy people who live in your head?” Hibbs asked.

“No, no. They pretty much just say the same thing over and over about Casper The Friendly Ghost being the Silver Surfer’s illegitimate love child. And when he grows up, he puts on a cape and becomes The Spectre.”

“See,” Hibbs said. “That’s crazy, but at least that’s Jeff Lester Crazy. All the rest of this sounds like, I dunno, Snoop Happy Puppy or whatever he’s called. Or those ads I’ve been seeing for that Grand Theft Auto videogame.”

“Ohhhh,” I said. “Yeah. Gee, you’re right. Now that I think about it, I’ve been playing GTA. In fact, I’ve been playing it every day since it came out.” I thought about it for a minute. “You know, now that I think about it, I guess I haven’t really been jumping out of airplanes, or stealing dildos out of police stations, or shooting people off trains, or running pimp missions, or dancing at beach parties.”

Hibbs was quiet for a moment or two. “And you just figured that out just now, did you?”

“Well I have to admit I’m not entirely sure. But it would make sense. I’ve been so busy trying to court two different girlfriends, one of whom lives out in the country and one who lives in the city, and burning down marijuana crops before cops arrive, and repainting graffiti tags, I guess I wasn’t really paying attention as to whether it was, you know, real. That’s kinda ironic, isn’t it?”

“Actually what’s kind of ironic is how you spent your whole Fanboy Rampage basically talking about a video game while jumping through all these hoops to avoid talking about a video game. I mean, you’re the one who’s gone on and on about how comics have been damaged by video games, how comic books used to be a popular ‘low culture’ medium, but now that role has been completely supplanted by video games. Anyone even talks about video games and you’re on them like Bendis on an Avenger, yammering about how video games mimic narrative structure but bring none of the innovations to narrative that comics, movies or theater added to the form. And yet, not only did you write this extended Fanboy Rampage instead of talking about what a smart, sensible guy Geoff Johns is, you’re so lost in your ‘life ain’t nothing but bitches and money’ fantasies you didn’t even think to cover Cryptic Studios and NC Soft getting sued over City of Heroes by Marvel because Marvel claims that the game’s character-creation engine allows players to create characters which are virtually identical to its characters. It’s comics versus video games, dude!”

I thought for a minute. “Is it really?”

“No,” Hibbs said. “Not really. But it’s a better hook for a Fanboy than ‘And then Geoff Johns used his silenced pistol to shoot his way out of the rappers’ mansion.’”

I thought for a second. “Don’t you think there’s some kind of analogy between my confusion of Geoff Johns, the smart, cool professional writer with Geoff Johns, tattooed gangbanger of San Andreas, and the confusion in the marketplace Marvel claims is created by people in City of Heroes naming their characters ‘Logerine’ or ‘Basil Wolverinerton?’”

Hibbs thought for a moment. “No, not really. Although maybe there’s some parallel between me getting sued by Johns for giving you the medium to spread your libel, and NC Soft being sued by Marvel for giving players the ability to create infringing characters? Maybe?”

Stephen Hawking’s voice came over the phone. “Do-not-listen-Father. He-is-trying-to-trick-you. He-had-no-plan only-a-tenuous-grasp-on-reality.”

“For that matter,” I added, “Ben actually isn’t a child genius…”

“Yes, he is,” Hibbs said quickly. “He’s my son.”

“Okay, he is,” I agreed. “But he’s not one who covets my job and has control over the Sixth Dimension. Nor did we actually have this conversation. You know, now that I think about it, maybe I’m wrong and video games have brought something new to narrative structure—the ability for players to ignore it, to instead spin out colorful caricatures of people and characters they’ve known and seen, not the way readers do, but the way writers do. And although maybe there should be protections on people and trademarks, maybe there should also be a special consideration made for the ability to people to participate in their culture, as a form of genuine expression, and creation. Right, Hibbs?”

But there was no answer, either because Ben had somehow managed to throw me into the Sixth Dimension, or because the conversation was something I wrote down just now and it never actually happened. And it may take another forty or so hours of GTA:SA to figure it out.